Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Unsavory characters

First thank you for your support for my whining. I am feeling MUCH better, thank you. I upped my medication to 100mg a day vs. my 50mg a day and I am noticing a HUGE difference. I was on the lowest dose and felt I was safe in upping it myself. I feel lots and lots better. I am happy to report Chad & the boys are on the way home and haven't died ...yet...WHEW. I ended up watching "The Devil wears Prada"...what a great girly movie. I really liked it, Meryl Strep is very good in this flick. Although, the whole designer clothes concept and the main character being considered fat because she was a size 6 totally eluded me. WHAT THE HELL?!?!?! But, I liked the movie none the less. I give it a thumbs up, way way up.

And now, on to my subject for this post. Teacher strikes. My little town in California is having problems between the teachers and the district. I haven't really paid much attention to be quite frank. I know they are fighting because the teachers are the lowest paid in our area and the district says they are broke and can't afford raises. In theory I totally agree with the teachers. I know that the district is top heavy, the administers are making way way more than the teachers and they are not even in the trenches every day like the teachers are. I also believe that there is no more important job than a teacher and that they should be very well paid.

However, this afternoon while I was avoiding studying for my final I went to town to do a couple errands. Hollywood Video happens to be right next door to the district office for the school board. There were teachers, lots of teachers, out picketing in front of the office with little placards that read, "we want to put your children first". I turned in to Hollywood Video, returned my movie, and as I was leaving I made eye contact with one of the teachers, Connor's teacher, and I immediately got a pit in my stomach. And felt uncomfortable. It all seemed quite innocent and noble of THOSE teachers to be demanding better pay until I realized that one of my children's teachers felt that way. UGH. Does this mean I will be expected to take a stand now? Now that she KNOWS I KNOW. And, does this mean her heart is not in her job and she's just suffering through the days with my baby wishing she was making more money? This is rather unsavory, and I must admit I do not like it. What am I expected to do now? I don't even know. Maybe Bonnie, of socks and men, can tell me, she is up on this stuff. Me, not so much. *sigh* this is all rather complicated, and I am not a fan of complicated...

Sunday, December 10, 2006

I have serious problems people


I have made no secret that I have me some crazy assed anxiety. Big time anxiety. I take Zoloft for said affliction. I am thinking that my wonder drug is failing me. The pharmacy switched me to generic Zoloft and I think maybe it's not working. My anxiety is off the charts. I am having problems sleeping, well I never sleep well, but now I am waking up in the middle of the night feeling like I am suffocating. It is NOT good. Which means I should probably go to the Doctor and see about getting my RX either changed or upped. The thought of going to the Doctor causes me even more major anxiety. *sigh* Now that I have insurance I could go to a regular doctor instead of seeing that battle ax out at the college health center. However, the thought of going to a new doctor and getting THE lecture about my weight makes me want to go and throw myself down a rabbit hole somewhere. I wonder if it would turn a new doctor off if I walked in, shook their hand, and and said, "Look, I know I am fat. You know I am fat. I know it's horrible for me. I have tried everything. I cannot lose weight. I recently GAINED two pounds when I had the stomach flu, how screwed up is that?!?!? Please do not give me your lecture. Please just give me some good anxiety medication because I am about to jump right out of my own skin. And please, for the love of God, do NOT check my blood pressure, because I can tell you without fail that it will be in stroke range right now. I am THAT nervous". I don't know...I am thinking that would put off a new doctor, what do you think?


I would love to see an endocrinologist, I think there is a good chance I have Cushing syndrome, however, again, the thought of going to a new doctor and trying to convince them I need all this testing makes me tired and anxiety ridden. Gawd, being fat is rather complicated, I tell you.


And on to more anxiety news. Chad and the boys are going to Tahoe for a few days. I can't go because I have to work and because I have a final on Wednesday. They are going to be gone Monday till Thursday. My FIL has a time share and the days needed to be used by the end of the year, so they get to stay at a swanky resort. I am really sad I am going to miss it, I have always wanted to go to Tahoe in the winter. I am very excited to be home by myself though. I love being home home alone, I am planning on staying up all night on Tuesday and watching chick flicks, have you seen any good ones lately? However, I am petrified that Chad and the boys are going to die in a car wreck and I will be by myself for the rest of my life. It is more than just a passing worry, I am actually truly convinced they are going to die in a car wreck. *sigh* I am a MESS. I know I am mess and yet I am still worried they are going to die. Good Lawd. When I was 16 I had a boyfriend die in a car accident and I think it has truly scarred me. I am always convinced that somebody I love is going to die in a car accident. A mess, I tell you, a mess.


Do you have irrational fears that you know are irrational, yet you can't make them go away? Please talk amongst yourselves and share.....meanwhile I am going to go and breath in a paper bag and make sure that all 3 of my boys have emergency numbers written in their underwear with Sharpie on the waisband....