I am just so pissed off

I have been trying so hard ya'll, to be positive and not complaining here, because as a general rule in real life,I am pretty upbeat and "the glass is half full" kinda gal.

But, I am so pissed off at my MOTHER right now. Fundamentaly pissed. And it involves aspects about my life that I haven't shared on this blog because I never wanted to portray who or what I am in a bad light.

OHMYGOODNESS I am mad, so very mad.

Let's just say that there are two separate sets of expectations and standards in my family. One for my brother and sisters and one for me. I am just so very tired of it. And I am almost 38 years old,I haven't had any babies out of wedlock, VS my brother and sister who had ALL their kids out of wedlock, I haven't been in jail once or done drugs ever, can't say the same for them again! Give me some credit for once.

"You know every 5 pounds you gain is heart attack fat in this family, dear". This was after I told her about all the eating we did at work this last week. AND the fact that I didn't eat any dinner for 3 nights because I ate so much during the day I was still full when I got home.

"I am worried about Connor, dear. I think he's turned to the dark side (I am quoting her). All he talks about is magic and special powers. I think you need to disconnect your cable and YOUR TV. You know, when you kids were little there were years that we didn't even own a TV". Yes, mother, and look at what happy and well adjusted adults we've all turned out to be. Meanwhile, Connor tells me that Grandma let him play "kingdom of hearts" on the PS2, which I don't even own any gaming machines in this house, and he was placing spells and doing all kinds of magic in that game.

"You know, dear, the only reason you've turned out the way you did is because you had MY adult friends who took an active interest in you and took you under their wing. Where are your nurturing adult friends for you kids? Why don't you have nice friends who are taking an active interest in your kids? I am really worried about your boys. I think you're going to lose them when they are teenagers". MEANWHILE, K, who lives with HER, is posting "Fuck it" bulletins on her myspace and my mother seems to think that is just fine. If i would have EVER even muttered that word, let alone posted it somewhere for the whole Internet to see I would still be grounded. And threatened with all kinds of bodily harm. But, since it's K it's cool. She gets a special pass for EVERYTHING.

And there's other stuff that REALLY pisses me off but I can't really talk about without explaining everything first. And then this would be a huge long memoir and none of us want that. Not to mention the fact I need to be at work all bright and cheery in 30 short minutes.

*GAH*

Top 10 List

1. Do you know how hard it is to type with a cat wrapped around your booblar/upper chest area? Try it sometime and get back to me. This cat is like Visa, he's everywhere I want to be. *sigh*

2. Why does long wearing nail color never last even close to the 10 days like is advertised on the bottle?

3. Contrary to popular belief, it is NEVER a good idea to wait until the day before your final in Multicultural History to get started on said Final. Especially if you wrote a practically brilliant (cough, cough) midterm, got 100/100 on said midterm, had your Professor post your paper as a model to follow for the other students, and now feel tremendous pressure to perform as well on the Final. This may or may not cause severe anxiety, insomnia, bloating, heavy sighing and a erection lasting longer than 4 hours. If you should exhibit these symptoms, please visit your nearest mental health facility to have your head examined for thinking you can work full time, and go to college when you are a 37-year-old mother of two.

4. It is freezing butt cold in the high desert. The high temp for this whole last week was 35 degrees. It was so cold at work yesterday that the liquid soap froze in the woman's bathroom! There is a company there working on putting in a new heating and air conditioning system and in my professional opinion I would say that something isn't quite hooked up right, but what do I know?

5. Guess who's going to Vegas in February? I am not looking forward to it. I know you're shocked.

8. It takes a LOT of patience and self control to teach a 79-year-old purchasing clerk who is practically deaf to order office supplies online. The whole experience may or may not have not caused me to have a twitch and severe ankle swelling.

9. I have lovely urine, surprisingly low cholesterol, and a disgustingly normal thyroid. A doctor even told me so.

10. And lastly I still hate our after school daycare lady. She is pissing me off every single day now. Connor informed us one of the other patrons who attends his crappy daycare taught him how to spell the "F bomb-it's spelled f-u-k-e." Clearly the other child has horrible spelling skills. And if you're gonna teach my kid to spell, at least teach him the correct spelling and pronunciation of the word, thankyouverymuch. I am actively searching for an alternative source of daycare. Trent would like to hire a "private in-home babysitter". He doesn't understand why that makes me so nervous I start sweating profusely and muttering under my breath. I guess the child hasn't watched enough Primetime Lives and Dateline specials in his 9 years yet.

Alright this really frosts my cookies

Okay, I am pissed off at my after school care lady. We pay her $280 a month whether the kids go there or not, even when they have a week off school or whatever. And she only watches them from 2:30-5:00 every day and if we are one minute after 5:00 she charges us $1/minute! Grrrrr. Anyway, this week the kids have minimum days and so they get out of school at 12:45, and part of the agreement is that Ms D takes them when it's minimum days. Yesterday Ms D scheduled HER parent teacher conference for right when the kids were getting out of school. What the hell? And she left Trent in charge of Connor on the playground. And they were playing hide-and-go-seek and Connor ran into the side of a electric box thing and has a HUGE knot on his forehead. OHMYWORD. He's fine but I am so pissed off. I am mostly pissed off because I have NO other options. There isn't a after school program at their school, Ms D is the only after school care in our area, and I HAVE to work. I have no other options. I am painted into a corner. And I HATE feeling trapped. And Ladies and Gents, I am am TRAPPED. So, I'm pissed off today. I have a headache. And I am grouchy. How are you??

Here's a question; Edited!

Okay, I am so dang busy that I am completely and totally exhausted. Yet, I can't think about anything to blog about. How is that even possible??!?!!?

Thanks to Annie I have something to post about, so I will edit this post to add:

1.) How's work....getting better or sucky all around? Work is pretty good most days. There is a new part-timer that started in our office about a month ago and I ADORE her. We are almost the same age and have kids the same age and have lots to talk about. She is incredibly witty and very sarcastic, which I find very redeeming in a coworker. But, being that we are at work and we work for someone who loves a tomb like atmosphere we can't chat much. *sigh* Life is complicated.

3.) ER seems to be having a good Season...whaddaya think? Yes, I love ER. I know pretty soon that they are going to have to hang it up, but for now they are having a good season. Where is Luca though? Does anybody know? I mean, I know he's taking care of his sick father, but why isn't he at the ER with Abby?

4.) And are you loving Grey's anatomy? Yes, I am loving Grey's! And my Amazing Race started back up too so I am one happy camper.

Okay, now I have to go get ready for work. Thank you Annie! What's new with you guys? What shows are you loving this season on TV, do you have any questions about your favorite TV shows? How are your jobs?????

How to celebrate your anniversay like you're a rock star

This is not going to be a mushy post about my love of 16 years and how I am so lucky that we were once young. and stupid. and got married when we didn't know any better. It is not going to have photos of when we were fresh faced, wrinkle free, and beautiful. It is just going to be a post that says our 16 year wedding anniversary was yesterday. 16 years!!! Yes, I am only 21 so I got married as an embryo.

And how did we spend our anniversary? It was very glamorous and chic. You wait, everybody who's anybody will be celebrating their anniversary this year like we did. We are so hip and stylish it's painful really. We took the kids and went to a free rodeo at the college where Chad teaches part time. We got to see a BEAUTIFUL sunset, and that's saying something because I am not a sunset kind of girl, and spent a nice evening with our kids freezing our butts off on some hard ass bleachers. How my ass gets tired from sitting when I have so much cushion back there is beyond me. Connor almost started a riot when he wondered out loud if the BBQ we were eating was old dead horses that couldn't rodeo anymore so maybe that's what the cowboys made BBQ out of? Chad and I were trying to shush him while we stifled our giggles.

Then we came home and fought about Daisy, the beagle, and why or why not she should be allowed to sleep on the bed. We went round and round about the yin and the yang, the pros and the cons of dogs sleeping on their master's bed. I won't tell you who won, because it would be unladylike of me.

And that is how you spend your anniversary in true rock star style. Get your plans laid now, because I bet you won't be a find a seat at the free rodeo for YOUR anniversary! You're jealous. I know you are. There are not very many people who can live such a fast paced and exciting life and yet still continue to find time to blog. Yep, I'm a rock star all right.

Another event that made my wedding anniversary even more memorable and once again proves how very vain I really am: in the bathroom at work I discovered something most shocking and horrifying. I spotted a WRINKLE. A laugh line. This despite the fact I have been saying the best thing I person can do for fine lines and wrinkles is to have a fat face,which I do,and until October 12 thought had been working just fine, thankyouverymuch. AND my 79 year-old-coworker whom I adore informed me I am having hot flashes, and no I'm not too young for that kind of thing. Oh yes, it was the BEST anniversary EVER.

And one more nugget that makes me wonder who's life I am living anyway: Crazydruggiesister went with her lock down drug treatment program to a taping of "Price is Right" and got to meet Drew Carey. Per my Mom the treatment facility T's in is sponsored by "movie stars". T didn't get called to come on down, but she is going to be on TV on Monday. My niece, K, is planning on being camped in front of the TV all day on Monday to see if she can spy her mom in the TV audience. AND the other day K seen her father on a documentary about prison life on the Discovery channel. She has never seen him since she was 4 years old and has no memories of him. And she got to see him and hear his voice for the "first time"on a TV. Where he is in prison. She was watching the show completely by accident. Her reaction to the whole meeting her Dad via the TV screen? "He's very very dark. And maybe she's famous since they have the same last name and he has a tattoo with her name on his bicep!" *sigh* To be 15 I suppose. Life is weird. And strange. And I have a wrinkle. And my dog has to sleep on the floor.

Lonely

It's 4:12 in the AM, I woke up about 2 hours ago in a complete panic when I realized how lonely I am in this new town with no real friends. What's ironic about this sudden insight is the fact that in my bed is my husband, 6-year-old son, a dog, and a cat.

When Mama's happy...

Mama got herself a new template. You likey? I likey. Blogger ate my old blogging template somehow, I am not sure how or why, so I had to go searching for a new look. I wanted a template that I hadn't seen before, because I am weird that way. If you've seen it before, don't tell me. I like to think I am original and all that. I have been out scouring for a new avatar too, it's slow going and I think I forgot how to download those little devils. Plus I heart my avatar, she is so spunky and cute, don't you think? She's over there on the right hand side..you see her? **I downloaded a new avator, whatdaya think??**

OMG, do you know what's on tonight? A brand spanking new Desperate Housewives AND a new Dateline. Pinch me, am I dreaming? This makes mama very happy. And on Thursday it's a new Gray's Anatomy. And I now have a DVR that I even know how to operate (!) so I can record all these new shows and go to bed at 8PM without feeling like I am missing something important. How I love the fall.

It rained here, 2 days in a row. Mama hearts the rain. I even had to dig out my sweatshirt and socks! Yeah. This must mean that summer is over. Hallelujah and praise the Lord.

My Mom and niece were here for 2 days. Our after school daycare lady was closed for 2 days for a wedding and we had no after school care for the kids, so my Mom came up to help out. She cleaned and did laundry, planted flowers, and then cleaned some more. It was awesome! I have no idea where any of my underwear are, but hey, going commando until I turn some of the bad boys up is a small price to pay.

I used to have a 4.0 GPA in school. I am taking 2 online classes this semester. Once the semester is over I think I will have somewhere close to a 3.0 or worse. *gasp* I took a quiz in my history class and got a 65%! 65%, are you freaking kidding me? I don't get 65%, well, at least I never use to get 65%, apparently I do now. Lord help me. The things we do to keep the student loan people of our backs, I am not sure if I can live with such mediocre grades. But, you do what you gotta go, and Mama's gots to sleep. A lot. Working 40 hours a week takes all my energy and then some.

Crazydruggie sister is in jail, or in a locked down treatment center, or something like that. She is not a free woman is all I know, and she doesn't have my new phone number either. I am actually relieved because this means she will at least be somewhat safe, and that's more than I can say when she's living on the street. I am happy she doesn't know my new phone number for very obvious reasons, the biggest one being collect phone calls are stinking expensive and I ALWAYS except the charges. Mama is such a soft touch.

So, Mama is happy, expect for that 65%, but I am trying to see the glass as being half full and all that happy BS. How are you?

Tina Turner's hair double with back eyes

Hi all! I just wanted to post real quick and let everyone know I am still alive and kicking Suffering with the horrible smoke from the fires, but still here ready to share my wry observations of life with the Internet. Seriously, the smoke is so bad here that they didn't let the kids go out for recess yesterday at school. I wish it would just rain already, but I don't think it ever rains here, something about moving to the high desert?

Let's see...what's new you ask? What's new in Jodi's world? WELL,my kids are smart! Seriously, brillant. The school even told me so. Connor was switched to a 1st/2nd grade combo class because he was bored out of his mind. I think his 3 years of preschool have really paid off! And of course he is a genius which doesn't hurt. I was really excited when they called to ask me if Connor could switch because I didn't like his first teacher one little bit. His new teacher just seems like she is a better fit. And he was bored. And a bored kid is not a good kid.

The school is also doing more testing on Trent to follow up on what our old school failed to do, which pisses me off every time I think about it, and they did a test where they seen how many words he could read. 997 out of a 1000, that's what my kid knew! And it went up to a 6th grade level. It impressed the teacher testing him down to the bottom of her toes. I talked with her Friday and she said they have a lot of testing they want to do on Trent because they can understand why I am concerned. If I could have kissed the lady I would have. It's so nice to have somebody in power listen to your concerns and not just blow you off.

I finally got my hair cut. It had been four months since my last haircut, I looked like Tina Turner on a bad bad hair day. I heart my new hair dresser. She is awesome. I have booked my next appointment already, yeah me! I even bought product, which makes me feel super rich and pampered. It's sad and pathetic, I know, but it's the really simple things that make me very happy. And now we are broke again, Chad's new job only pays once a MONTH, so I am glad I did it when I had the chance. Budgeting is not our strong suit.

Trent and Chad went back to our old hometown today to pick up some more crap from our old house which my Mom and Dad are moving in to in about 3 weeks. Connor stayed home with me, he's been watching cartoons all day and I have let him because I am a good Mom that way. Chad just called and said that him and Trent are going to spend the night because they are just too tired to drive home. I asked Connor what he wanted for dinner, I was expecting him to say McDonald's or some other fast food that comes with a toy, he wants cereal. What an awesome kid, we don't have to go anywhere which means I can stay in my yucky clothes and wild hair, yeah me. Maybe he's worried I wouldn't change my clothes and contain my hair and is embarrassed to be seen with me in public since he's a cool 1/2nd grader? Nah, I think he just really really likes cereal.

Since the boys were little I have told them that I have eyes in the back of my head and therefore could see everything they were doing behind my back. They have not figured out that I totally don't have back eyes. Connor is watching Cartoon Network right now as I type and he just asked me if I was watching the TV with my back eyes. I said, "Of course I am honey!". SHHH, don't tell me I really am not an alien life form. Wouldn't back eyes be useful though? I mean, seriously. Just think about it for a minute.

Does anybody know when the new season of TV is starting up again? Big Brother is almost over, so I know that the new season should be winding up to go again. I am so mad that they let Dick and Danielle stay on! Jameka better hope that she wins HOH this week or she's history. Nobody and I do mean nobody is going to win in the final 2 sitting next to her!

I am anxious for ER, Amazing Race, Desperate Housewives, and Gray's Anatomy to start up with new episodes. It's not like I don't have a million other things I should be doing, but still, it's cheap entertainment. So, clue me in, when does all the shows come back? Huh, when?

And now you are up to date with all the goings on in Jodi's world. What's new with you?

Some things to be thankful for

I am thankful for,

A) My Las Vegas trip went 100% better than I thought it would.

B) I fit into the Southwest airline seats and no airline personnel hassled me.

C) The first row of Southwest seats have amazing leg room.

D) The drunk man who sat next to me on the flight home and didn't try to talk to me because he was passed out and didn't notice, due to his snoring, my squirming and moving around in the seat that I fit in, but was uncomfortable anyway. Oh, and that I didn't throw up. I thought I was going to get sick, the flights were really bumpy, but I never did. Thank GOD!

E) Boss Lady likes to drink. Her and I had drinks both nights we were there. Praise the Lord. A little drink with dinner makes everything seem possible. We actually *gasp* have things in common. For example, we both like clam chowder soup, we both love Peach margaritas, Mai Ti's, and martinis.

F) The fact that Boss Lady said I'll be back to Vegas many times for training, that way I don't have to be sad about the fact I was too damn hot and tired to do any sightseeing while I was there. She asked if I would be okay to travel alone, and I said HELL YES. I would actually prefer to travel alone or with my travel partner, Candace. Boss Lady wanted to hang out way more than I ever thought possible or would have liked. I doubt anything between us will be different at work on Monday, but at least I know it's possible for her to be kind and that she actually can be a normal person who has a heart! :) She was actually very very kind to me and was concerned that I felt comfortable and was okay the whole time.

G) Boss Lady told the Flamingo to use her credit card so that I could check into my room because they require a $100/night additional charge to go onto your card until check out for incidentals. I had exactly enough money for the room and that was it. If it wasn't for Boss Lady's credit card I would have been homeless for two days. She was so very kind to me.

H) The training was so very very informative. I seriously went, "OHHHHHH" in my head at least once an hour when things just started clicking into place. I have been making travel arrangements for my job and knew the rules I needed to follow when figuring out per Diem and alike, but didn't really understand WHY, this class really helped me in that regard.

I) My kids are home! And they are safe and sound. I missed them like crazy.

J) My two online classes have nothing due until next weekend, so I can just relax and watch stupid cartoons with my kids today.

K) Lastly I am thankful for my blogging peeps who always know what to say to make me feel better. Thank you all for your support and love!!!!!

Well, how do you like them apples?

So, apparently I am a loud talker and chat too much. There has been "complaints". I think the complaint came from my very quiet coworker who thinks nobody should talk ever, she is very proud of the fact she didn't talk for the first 3 weeks on the job. She also has her head so far up our supervisors ass that you can barely see her little neck. But, that's just me. Maybe the whole entire office of 110 employees hate me and just smile and are nice to my face while running and complaining about me to A or even worse Boss Lady.

I am trying VERY hard to stay positive about this revelation and remember that I am working on self improvement and not to let it get me down. Also, this is only a j-o-b and doesn't mean anything, right? But, damn, on the eve of my trip to Las Vegas was not good timing. *sigh* OHMYWORD, by the time I am done with this stupid ass job I am going to be an entirely different person. Maybe that won't be such a bad thing.

Never mind me, I will be the one who is silent in the corner making finger puppets and muttering to myself.

I must be crazy

After all my pissing and moaning and carrying on, I ended up having a pretty good week actually. After Monday everybody cheered up, more or less, and I had a fine week. So, I haven't quit and I have decided to go to Las Vegas. Chad really thinks I should go, my Dad said if I don't sign anything that says I'll pay back the trip if I quit within less than year legally they can't make me pay it. No, he's not a lawyer, but he's a logger and they know about these things, don't they? Am I glutton for punishment? I never have known when it's time to leave a bad party and end up staying way too long and regretting it later....

So, now that I have decided to go I am stressing about flying. I really hate to fly. The good thing is the flight is only a little over an hour. That's tolerable. I went on Southwest's website and read all their policies about "Customers of size". Their rule says if you can put down the armrest and sit in the seat then you only have to buy one seat like a normal person. I went on another website that said the seats were 17 inches so I had Chad measure that for me and I think I will be okay. It still makes me very nervous though. Southwest has a policy that if you are a person of size and buy 2 tickets and the flight isn't full then you can get your money back for the extra ticket. If we have any extra money between now and then I may call Southwest and buy myself an extra ticket just so I don't have to stress about it. I am not that worried about our flight over, it's on a Wednesday afternoon, but our flight back is on a Friday night at 6:30 and I am thinking it's going to be FUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLLLLLLL. Overbooked perhaps. If I can get up enough courage I may ask Boss Lady if I can use the company credit card to purchase myself another seat, and if I need it and the flight is way full on the way home and we end up having to pay for it they can take it out of my check. Hmmmm, I will have to contemplate that. Golly, I am so glad I am fat. *sigh* Somehow the fact that I am witty, amazingly charming, and have a great sense of humor doesn't help me out here. Bastards.

And we are staying at the Flamingo which is very close to the hotels that I want to see. That is very exciting. Once I get on the plane and off the plane I am going to feel very happy and everything after that will be a breeze.

Did I tell you that a little tiny baby kitten was dumped in our back yard? Yes, Bella has been here for a little over two weeks. We think (s)he was about 4 or 5 weeks old and somebody just dumped her here. She looked a lot like a rat when she first arrived. She is looking more like a baby cat everyday though. Vegan Sister came up last weekend and said she thinks Bella is a boy. I think she might be right. So if Bella is a boy then he'll be Mario or Luigi. I still call him Bella though. He is so funny. Bella/Mario has decided he loves Chad's chair and crawls up there and sleeps all day. He gets very grouchy if anybody tries to share the seat with her/him. It's too funny. Chad hates animal's so that makes it even funnier. We went and bought him a kitty bottle and kitten formula and the whole nine yards. Thank Gawd cats sleep a lot.

One of my very good friends, Rebel, has been trying to have a baby for YEARS. She can't get pregnant due to endometrios. Poor thing. Reb and Darren went through the State's foster care program. About 2 weeks ago they got the call they were praying and were asked to care for a brand new baby boy. He was brand new and they picked him up from the hospital! He was only 3 days old when Rebel got to take him home. Rebel met with the birth mother and she signed away her parental rights and everything. So, it looks like the adoption is going to be smooth sailing. I am so happy for her. She is going to be an amazing Mom. I can't wait to meet him. I think they named him Dean and a middle name of something with a J, and will call him DJ for short, which is too cute. I am very happy for her. Maybe I'll buy him some cheesy onesie or something when I am in Vegas.

If you have any airplane traveling tips for me, please share. And send me skinny thoughts or send Southwest fat thoughts, or something.

Greetings from 503 Smallishtown

Hello all! Did you miss me? Is anyone there? Tap, tap, is this thing on?

So, we're here. Semi moved in. We have about 90% of the boxes unpacked. Candace is coming down next weekend, I hope, to help me hang my pretties and what not. I think this house is going to be okay. We are infested with flies, Candace tells me it's our welcome to the desert. Lovely. If anyone knows a good way to get rid of flies and weird little flying bugs that come out at night, please let me know. I think we need to get one of those fly zapper machine things.

Our move here was, well, eventful. A normal 3 hour trip took us 9 (!) hours because a train derailed and closed the highway we needed to travel on. It was drama. However, I have to add that my Dad told us about an alternate route that we took and it was a BEAUTIFUL drive. All my years living in N.California and I had never been on that road. It was absolutely breathtaking. It almost made the 9 hour detour worth it. I will definitely take that route next time I go home. Vegan Sister and K followed us up here and helped Chad get the U-Haul unloaded. I am a wimp with a bad knee and am not much help. We have deduced that we need to make a hell of a lot more friends before our next move!! Big strong strapping men to be precise. If we don't succeed at that we are just going to burn everything and take our kids and pictures and that's it!

I started my new job on Monday. Wow. It's going to be something else. It's going to be very very busy. At my old job I used to have slow times when I could read or maybe even write a letter in between calls. This job? No, never, it's kind of overwhelming. I have a gazillion job duties. I don't think I am going to be bored, that's for sure. I feel completely and totally incompetent. And my boss is not very patient. She has a million and 3 things going on herself and doesn't want to show me how to do anything more than once. *gulp* Overwhelming, very overwhelming. I feel incredibly confused. Don't you just love starting a new job?

In my little division of the office, aptly named Fiscal, there are 5 of us. I like my co-workers. They are all very nice. Even my boss, even though she's a little tiny bit of a control freak. It could be way worse though. Hopefully I will find my stride soon and all will be okay!

And guess who's going to Las Vegas with her boss in August for a conference? Yep, me! And that means I have to fly. UGH. I do not enjoy flying, at all. But, I am excited to go to Vegas. I haven't been there in years and I hope I have time to see some of the casinos. I don't gamble but would like to see New York New York and that fancy one that looks like Paris. The Blagio? Or something like that. My Mom and Grandma are going to come up and help out with the kids when I am gone. Lucky Chad, he's going to have SOOOO much fun! (hahaha)

I will post some pictures once we get everything up and look like we are NOT a campground for a bunch of homeless people who have an odd assortment of c-r-a-p.

The tale of two houses

We are 5 days from our actual moving day and counting. The mess has now taken over and I am seriously considering just walking away from everything that isn't boxed up and calling it good...

We found a rental on Wednesday in our new town. I should qualify that statement and say we found THE rental in our new town. It seems that rentals are hard to come by at this time of year. Who would have thunk it? I had been stalking out 2 houses in particular on our last 92 trips to Desert Town and really really liked one of them in particular. In my heart it was my house. When we arrived at the property management company on Wednesday we found out it had been rented the DAY before! The horror. The pain and the suffering, there was weeping and gnashing of teeth. We then looked at the list, there was exactly two houses on there that had more than one bedroom and were not an apartment. We bravely went to number one house on the list, HATED it. Went to the second house on the list. Didn't hate it AS bad, but it was odd. For example, you go into the front door and there is two closets side by side, that's the first thing you see when you walk in the front door. What the hell? And the kitchen is way way odd. It leaves you standing there going, HMMMMM, well that was one way to do it I guess....The house did have some really cute points that will make it livable too and I felt comfortable there. I knew our crappy belongings would fit in just perfect in this house and it would feel like home in no time.

Then we went to second property manager in town and looked at their ONE house that wasn't a duplex or an apartment. And it was BEAUTIFUL. So beautiful that angels sang and mother's wept. I could not picture myself living there. It was the most fancy house I have ever considered possibly living in. And only $200 more rent than the odd house. I couldn't imagine anything we own, including our selves, in that house. However, Chad was drooling and professing his love for beauty and fanciness. So we applied for it. It made me nauseous and weepy. I just couldn't imagine actually living there and ever feeling at ease or comfortable.

I was thinking of posting a link from the property managements web page so you could see what I was talking about, but I don't want the whole Internet to know where we are moving to, or for y'all to realize what white trailer trash we really are! If you are really dying to see my definition of pure opulence, email me and I'll send you the link.

And we applied for the crappy house and they accepted us right away. And were turned down on the spectator house because we are just starting new jobs and the house itself shuddered when we left. So, the crappy house it is. And I am glad. It will feel like home in no time, odd closets and all.

Chad said when we buy another house a couple few hundred years from now we will buy a beautiful house and we will have beautiful things to put in there. I totally believe him. *eye roll*

And on to other news not moving related. We had my nephew, Cameron, here for two weeks. He is exactly Connor's age. I LOVE that kid. He is so damn funny. He still reminds me of Dori from Finding Nemo, he has such a sweetness about him. Last weekend Chad took all 3 boys to "Fantastic Four" while I secretly threw away a bunch of their crap that they will never miss. Before they left Chad took off all the doorknobs and locks so that he could take everything to Lowe's and have one uniform lock for all the doors instead of 92 different keys like we did before. Cameron stood there watching Chad with a puzzled look on his face and says, " You know, when we moved we took all our furniture and clothes, but I'm pretty sure we left the doorknobs!".

CrazyDruggie sister is still in jail. Hallelujah and praise the Lord. One day last week she called me collect, of course, and then continued to curse me out because she had no money for smokes. I hung up on her. I haven't heard from her since. I have ascertained from the Orange County website that she is still in custody and that her bail has been revoked. I am grateful she is still in jail because I least know that she's safe, relatively speaking, and being cared for.

Friday was my last day at work. I was sad. Some of my coworkers had a little going away pot luck for me and it was sweet. I even got some presents! That was awesome. I have decided that Bath and Body=Heaven!

And in one week I start my new job, which totally doesn't make me feel anxious or panicky, AT ALL. Yeah, and I lie....Wednesday I went and did my drug test for the new job and my fingerprints. It was a little ominous. Everyone I met, with the exception of the drug test lady, were very nice and welcoming. However, there was a "sharps box" hung on the restroom wall of the casino, that's where I went for my fingerprints, well not the restroom per say, I meant the casino gaming office. I am going to assume that the casino caters to a lot of diabetic people and that's why they need a used syringe box mounted to the restroom wall! Denial table for one, please.

That's all folks. My next post will probably be from the crappy house. I will maybe take pictures for y'all even. Just be glad you don't live close enough so that we could rope you into helping us move. I don't know if anyone told you this or not, but moving SUCKS big time.

A PSA

First things first. I am, it seems, not unemployable after all! I got a new job! Yippee. Thank you Angry Dad for the interview tips, I think that's what did it, truthfully. I begin my new position on July 2! So, things are now moving at a rather quick rate of speed. I sort of feel like I am riding down a huge hill on a bicycle and am going a little bit too fast to feel safe, but it's fun and exhilarating all at the same time. I will be a "accounting technician". I think it will be interesting and completely and totally different from what I am doing right now, which is not necessarily a bad thing.

I hate change but I am embracing this and hoping for the best. It's going to be a HUGE change for our family, but again, that may not be a bad thing necessarily.

And so now we begin of the arduous task of boxing up everything we own and trekking all our crap three hours away. That, my blogging peeps, I am not looking forward to. But, since we are not intermediately wealthy it's not like we can just torch this place and move on, although I have contemplated the possibilities, trust me! I am joking, of course. Gawd, wouldn't it be awful if our house REALLY did burn down and the insurance adjuster got a hold of this blog and I was charged with arson and they didn't pay off our mortgage? I shudder at the thought of it all! So, scratch that, EVEN if I was super duper rich I would NEVER burn down my own house with it's belongings inside just to get rid of all our crap.

I may not be around your blogs these next few weeks. But, it won't be because I don't love you. It will be because I can't find the computer amidst all the debris and clutter. *sigh*

Oh, and here's tip for you, if some random person you have met at let's say, work, not even necessarily in person, wants to have some kind of a "friendship" with you via email, don't do it. Ever. Even if this person flatters you and makes you feel awesome about yourself. Don't do it. Because, trust me on this, he will turn out to be a lying, useless piece of feces that you wish you could scrape off the bottom of your shoe and be move on. And you will be ashamed of yourself. And you will shudder every time you think about him and his coy little emails. And it's hideous and horrible. Not that I, MOI, would ever do something that stupid and asinine. *ahem* I'm just sayin'. I like to keep my blogging peeps happy and secure, so consider this a public service announcement. *as I clear my throat* Do NOT trust people that you meet online. Wait a cotton-pickin-minute you're all online aren't you? Wait, scratch that. *clears throat again* Do not trust people you have never met in person who want to flatter you and lavish attention on you and then talk inappropriate to you. Even if they tell you are beautiful and "yum-me". *cough, cough* Again, I am just sayin'. It ain't good and it's so not worth it in the end!

Okay, please excuse me. I need to go and hunt down some boxes and tape from the garage. Please don't forget about little ole me. Perhaps next time I post I will be in our new house surrounded by chaos and clutter! Yeah, I can't wait for that...

A pictoral journey of Jodi's hair do's....

Okay, now this is ollllllldddddddddd

No, don't adjust your computer monitors, this picture is in black and white. And no, smart ass, I'm not so old that all they had was black and white pictures back in my day! Geez. (hhahhaha) Actually, this is Chad and my engagement picture, from 1990! I was a whopping 20 years old. Check out that hair, would ya? Holy moly, it's so damn big it can barely fit into the picture! Ugh, youth, where did you scamper off too?

alright..this is nuts

Okay, I am hating blogger right now. And I think I may be an idiot. OY. I have trying to post some pictures for all of my blogging peeps to see, a few people have asked if I am as hideous as I describe myself and to that I say, "well, see for yourself people, read it and weap!". (hahahha) I can't figure out how to format more than one picture and have some kind of captions too. Can somebody tell me how to do that? Does anybody even want to see pictures of me? Probably not...I have a pic of me and VS (vegan sister) at her wedding, one of me and my Dad when I was pregnant with Trent, and one of me and Trent when he was a baby. It was a great pictoral journey of my many different hairsyles, let me tell ya. *sigh*

Anyway, this picture at the bottom of my post is of Connor's open house in April. Notice his sylish head attire. He was our tour guide. And no, Trent in NOT having a seizure, I think he may or be rolling his eyes, as in this is the LAMEST thing EVER. Silly kid. *note: my hair is in a pony tail in this picture. It seems to be my hairstyle of choice these days. It's very sexy and sylish!*

I went for my test yesterday at new job #427. It went well. I typed 56 wpm AFTER the errors were taken out! And I passed my Math test too. WHEW. She said I scored the best so far, oh yeah, I'm THAT cool. (NOT!) Now, I just wait for my interview, *sigh*.

OH, and my arm is looking much much better. I think it was a spider bite after all. I do believe I will live.

Oddness....

Yes, and I do mean oddness, besides my normal current oddness. Do you see this gnarly looking picture to your right? I don't know if it shows up good enough. Chad took it with my cell phone. Long story. Anyway, that is my arm, in case you were wondering. And I have a little mark on there, it's two small little puncture wounds, almost like a bite of some kind. And I've had it for a few weeks I think. Then today it showed up with a bruise all around it. Should I be worried? Freaked out? Do you think I have the plague? Should I immediately rush to the ER? I HATE doctors so the thought of going makes me feel all green and sheepish.

Thank you too for the sweetness you all expressed to me in my last post. I LOVE my blogging peeps. Wes, aka Angry Dad, gave me lots of good tips for my next interview, which I cannot begin to express my gratitude for. I appreciate everyone's sweet thoughts and kind comments...so very much.

Okay, so if you know anything about fat girls arms that suddenly show up with a weird little bite mark and a bruise around it 2 weeks later let me know. Chad accused somebody of doing something from a 1000 miles away, L.O.N.G. story, it cracked up me though. Augh, I need to get a life maybe. If you don't hear from me you'll know it was fatal and indeed I should have rushed in for emergency medicine!

It's a'right

Please bear with me dear one. I have a few important matters I need to update you on. Therefore, this post may be kinda longish. Feel free to just skim if you wish.

Who is that attractive young lady you are staring at, wondering if she's missing teeth or what? Well, its crazy druggie sister. She is not looking good, at all. She looks horrible. This picture is about a month old. I have another picture of her, that I can't find, where you can really see the wrinkles around her eyes, she looks soooooo bad. She used to be such a pretty girl. And she's in jail. She's been calling me collect. Every day. Complaining about awful it is in jail. I in turn keep reminding her that is the purpose of jail, they don't want you to come back. I also told her that she needs to stop smoking crack and then she won't have to go back to the poky. "I was NOT doing crack, I was doing METH!", she says as if I had insulated her by insinuating that she was doing a white trailer trash drug and not something classy like METH. Good Lawd. It makes me sooo proud I tell you. She'll be on Cops you just wait and see.

It is of the utmost importance that I reveal to you that indeed I did NOT get the job I interviewed for, the job I wanted so bad working in the court that it made my teeth hurt. That job. You know what though? It's okay. I had a whole week to get myself used to the idea, I knew the second I walked out of that interview that I had blown it. Badly. And that I wouldn't be getting the job. *sigh* I have applied for 2 more jobs and am just waiting for word back if the would like me to interview or not. I am okay with the whole thing. I really am. It's sad, and I know I would have kicked ass at that job, if I had just done well at the interview. And I did my best. What else can you do? And at least I have a job now that I do well at, so I know that I am employable, I just need to find the right employer I suppose.

As a result of this most unfortunate news we have reverted back to plan B. That plan being the one where Chad just commutes for the time being and we will move if and when I get a job. The boys and I will just stay here, I will stay at my current job, and keep applying for anything that looks at all likely up in our new town. This will give Chad a chance to be sure that he's going to like his new job and that it's worth relocating our whole life for.

However, I must add this news was softened by the fact I had a fabulous day just one day prior to get this news. I was told by a stranger that I was beautiful-long story-, three people at work told me I was cute, AND I received the following note from my Legal Research professor along with my grade for the class, which was the highest number of points that was possible for the class:

"Dear Jodi, Thank you for participating in my Legal research class. I enjoyed our conversations and really appreciated your outstanding work! As a matter of fact, your final paper will be the standard by which others will be judged. You are a very thoughtful, bright, skillful, talented lady and I am certain that you will succeed in life."

Isn't that the sweetest note? He thinks my brain is sexy.....the note made me very happy!

And so this seems like a good time as any to tell you about the obnoxious lady in my Legal Research class and my criminal law class and after you read the story you'll understand why it makes my professor's note that much sweeter......Imagine this if you will. A semi attractive lady, exactly my age, who has a very nice figure. We'll call her PB (for perky boobs, that I am quite certain are NOT her own if you catch my drift) to protect her identity. About half way through the semester it became very evident that PB thought she was the bee's knees and that I was chopped liver. At every opportunity she liked to try and infer that she was sooooo smart and that I was a blithering idiot. She also told me that she and I quote, "Have a rocking body and didn't mind using it". As in, you're an ugly cow, Jodi, how in the heck do you get through life? Every week in class she would be bragging about how she was graduating with honors, telling everybody in class how smart she was, and just generally being obnoxious. Fast forward to our second exam in Criminal Law. We get our exams back, I have an "A", I mind my own business and look at my grade, grin inwardly, and am glad that once again I bamboozled the professor with my wordiness on the exam. When we had a break at class I sat there minding my own business and PB leans forward and says, "Jodi, what did you get on the exam?"

"This exam?" I say as I tap my exam with my forefinger.

"Yeah, what did YOU get?", PB asks with a smirk.

"Um, an "A", I answer...."

WHAT?!?!?!?!" PB's voice echos of the walls. "How in the hell did YOU get an A?" I got a "C!"

"Hmmmmm"...I respond, secretly gloating because apparently her rocking body doesn't give as big as an advantage as she had hoped. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

"No, seriously, how did you get an A, I don't get it", she screech's.

I don't know, beaoch, I studied? I'm smart, the professor can't stand perky blonds with fake blonds, I don't know. I thought all of this as I shrugged my shoulders and tried to suppress a giggle.

For the next 3 weeks in my Legal Research she whined and complained to anyone that would listen that it wasn't FAIR, she was an A student, she didn't get C's, NOT EVER. Our Criminal Law teacher had it out for her. She just couldn't understand how she got a C and I, me the fat one, got a A! I suggested she talk to our Criminal Law professor, from what I could tell she never did, she even complained to our Legal Research teacher about the test. He just looked at her with one eyebrow arched and suggested that she go and talk to the Criminal Law professor. She complained AGAIN about me getting an A. What the hell? As she left the room in a huff the teacher, the same one who wrote me the nice note, looked at me and said, "WOW, she's really threatened by you isn't she?" I agreed and said I didn't know what her deal was but it was a good thing we only had 3 weeks of class left because if she asked one more time how I got an A I was going to deck her!

I won't bore you with the rest of her insults or how PB was certain I was going to flunk the final in Legal Research because she had LOTS of friends who had taken that class and their papers didn't look anything like mine. Suffice it to say that the note from my Legal Research teacher made my day! Add to that people telling me I was cute and beautiful (which NEVER happens to me) in the same day and it made the blow of not getting my dream job the next day that much softner. Sometimes life gives you something good at just the right time. My awesome day of 2007 is one for the record books and I will recount it with a smile on my face as many times as I need to in order to make it through the bad awful sucky days!

What the hell????

I got this comment on my blog today,

"I would say that the sub-title to your blog is a very detailed, revealing explanation of "why do my children drive me crazy?". If they are being subjected to that kind of a person/mom figure every day...if that is their role-model in life?? It's pretty clear you're reapin' what you sow, Momma! So the question is -- are you just trying to be funny here, or is this a pretty good description of you? Go ahead and read this and delete it. Seriously. But I hope you'll think about it a little, too. Bonnie B. "

WTF???????? Who is Bonnie B? And why does she think that I need advice about why my kids are driving me crazy. They are kids. And that is their job in life, I am quite certain. And tell me, Bonnie B. where is the link to your blog? I want to go on there and make comments about YOUR personality and parenting style too. I did NOT need this today. Didn't your mother ever tell you if you can't say something nice to not say anything at all?

This is MY blog and if I want to be a complicated jumble of contradictions I will be. And my kids are just fine. So shut it Bonnie B whoever in the hell you may be. That's probably not even your real name....

OHHH, I think Bonnie B may be a troll. I gotta say, I'm not liking trolls......

A few tips sponsored by Jodi's World

As a token of my appreciation to my loyal 5 readers I have prepared a few helpful hints that you may or may not find of use in the future. Don't thank me yet. It's a pathetic list really.

1. It is never ever a good idea to try a new hairstyle on the day of a job interview. You may end up looking like somebody who got caught in a wind storm and then forgot to comb their hair afterward.

2. If you happen to be the husband of someone who stupidly tries a new hairstyle on the day of a interview it is NEVER and I do repeat, NEVER, a good idea to look at your lovely wife of 15 years and say, "I thought you liked your hair curly...why is it not curly but not straight either...what did you DO?"

3. If you are coming home from a job interview that went badly, as mine most assuredly did, and your husband says, "Hey are you up for an adventure? Let's go down this road I found on the map, it's a shortcut!", get out of the car. Demand that he take the normal route. Call your mother if you have to. If you don't heed my advice you may end up on a road, a term I use loosely, that has signage that declares you should proceed at your own risk because the road isn't maintained, believe the sign, make your husband turn around immediately. Otherwise the results will be not pleasant. You will have a roaring headache and no sense of humor when you finally arrive home hours later. You will also demand that your husband go back up that stupid road and look for your %$!)!)!kidneys, because you are sure one must have bounced out on that God forsaken wagon trail when your head hit the roof of the car for the 100th time in the last hour. Your heart will be in your throat and your liver will be somewhere down by your big toe.

4. Do not become so sure in the fact that you have a good chance of getting a job that you really really want because when in fact you blow the interview badly (!) you will become quite despondent and grouchy. You will contemplate starting to drink at 1:00 PM on a weekday. And you will greatly regret hanging up on a rude caller the day before at your present job, because you are probably going to need your current job for a whole hell of a lot longer than you would ever want to admit.

5. Don't underestimate the power of preparing well for an interview. Or in my case think that your charming wit and sparkling personality is all that you need, and hell you don't need to prepare for that. Arrive at the interview 10 minutes early, find out you have to interview before three people, and then be asked the hardest questions in the world. Look dumbfounded and stumble all over yourself. Answer the questions honestly, so honestly that the interviewers look at each other with a worried expression on their face and then thank you for coming all this way. "We'll let you know one way or the other in a few weeks. We hope you'll enjoy your day, you freak". Okay, they didn't call me a freak but their eyes said it. And they checked to be sure the door closed and locked firmly behind my backside as I exited the depressing basement office. I wish I could have left my disappointment in there with them too. *sigh*

Okay, I am going to start drinking now. Then I am going to take a shower and hope my pain and humiliation drain down the bathtub or I drown. Cheers!

WHEW~

I got an interview with the County for Wednesday the 16th at 12:00! YIPPEE! And Chad is on the schedule for his classes starting in June! Stay tuned...

I have to go to school now but I will tell you more about the stupid woman in my class.....

What does this mean?

I have returned from my experience participating in the Court Clerk 1 test seemingly unscathed. *whew* How did you think you did oh panicky one, you may ask innocently enough. To that I reply, I have no freaking idea. It was a fairly typical test asking questions about alphabetizing, putting items in a numerical order, proofreading, vocabulary, and simple math. I either did quite well or so-so. I really don't know. It was a computerized test and offers you no feedback one way or the other. I may or may not have turned in a blank test, more on that later possibly.

As I was leaving I spoke with the office manager type lady and asked when they would be holding interviews and when I could expect to hear back from them. She answered me and then gave me a job flyer for a new job that is closing on May 21st, in case I don't get the job I just tested for. It is basically a position where you look at court documents all day, not the people, and keep the court documents straight. A records clerk basically. BOOORRRRRRRRIIINNNNNGGGG. I wasn't sure how to take her offer of another job posting. Does she think I would suck at being a court clerk, does she think I am best served kept hidden from public view, or was she just trying to be polite and helpful? Again, I have no freaking idea. I will know in two weeks one way or the other how I did on the test and whether I will be granted an interview or not. If I don't get this job, and I will cry and piss and moan if I don't, I will apply for the other job and then be prepared to be bored out of my ever freaking mind. However, it could be a good stepping stone for a more interesting position in the future and the pay would be as good as the job I want. *sigh* So now I wait. And pretend to be content in the job I have now.

Chad's surgery went well. Time will tell whether or not it's a success or not. He was able to go with me yesterday. He went out to the college and spoke with the Dean whom he has a formal appointment with in a few weeks. He most definitely has the job. It's going to be interesting. More on that later...

We went and looked at rentals yesterday. Holy Moly. There are lots of crappy places for rent. I may or may not have PTSD from some of the places that we looked at. Bad, bad, bad I tell you. Dirty old 1970's mobile homes with the gross brown carpet, the cheap plastic doorknobs, and moldy windows, all for $850/month. Scary horror movies on a limited budget have been filmed in such places, I am quite certain. I told Chad I didn't care how poor we are, I will not live somewhere like that. Oh, it was awful! Just thinking about it gives me the hippy hippy shakes and not in a good way. We found a few houses that were very livable and in the school district I want the boys to attend. The rent is EXACTLY what our house payment here is. That was encouraging, I guess, unless we have to make both payments then we're going to be in big time trouble. If everything goes our way we will moving in 30 days. That is scary as hell, let me tell you. And then we're going to need moving money which is even scarier. *sigh*

However, my Dad came and visited us this morning, at 7:30 AM, on a Saturday, I may add. He offered to make our house payment for 6 months until we see what will happen with my Grandma. And then collectively we can decide if we want to put the house on the market. That is VERY generous of him. Of course that means we are going to be indebted to him for the rest of our natural lives, but we are already, so what would the difference be? I am humbled and thoroughly touched with his generosity. Will I rue the day we made a binding deal with my Dad? Maybe. Do I have any other viable options at this point? Not really. Could this be an opportunity of a lifetime? Perhaps. There is only one way to find out and that's to take a deep breath and take the plunge, sort of like getting married. You have a 50/50 chance of being either incredibly blessed or very miserable and desperately unhappy. No way of knowing ahead of time which it will be. That my friends is called a big-time, life altering gamble.

I have a interesting sordid tale to regal you with regarding a blasted woman in my Criminal Law class but that will have to wait until next time...I have some floor pacing and finger nail chewing that I need to attend to right now. Ta-ta.

Test anxiety

Yeah, this is me, see picture above. I have major test anxiety. I have anxiety period. ~Do you realize how many of my posts revolve around my anxiety? It's ridiculous really. I'm telling you, I am just one step away from the loony bin.~ Today my patience ran out and I called the courthouse in which I applied for that job, you know the job you all very wisely encouraged me to apply for? I wanted to know when they would be holding interviews and when I could accept a call back? Harried-lady-who-answered-the-phone-at-human-resources said, "Whoa, there Nelly. You have to test before you get an interview and we are planning on calling and scheduling testing in a few weeks". Gulp. Okay. Has anyone out there in blog land ever taken a test for a County job? What do they test you on, do you know? Is there somewhere I could go on the web to practice? Is it like a DMV test? Will I need to know the proper ways to address a judge or know how many feet I need to stay from the Bench? EEK. Chad reminded me that I took a really hard test to get the job I have now, which is true, and I did fine. How much harder could this test be I wonder? Pre-employment tests are just the pits, no matter how you slice it.

Chad talked to the Dean at the college today. He is scheduled to teach at least two classes, and two more classes for the fall semester! WOO-HOO! Chad is scheduled to go up there on May 16th to speak with the Dean and meet the other instructors. They are also sending him a packet to get a lot of pre-employment what not out of the way. We are just so glad we know that much more about the new job. It's very exciting and nerve wracking all at the same time.

Chad also is scheduled for surgery on May 2 for his wrist. His foot is feeling much better so we are going to fix his upper extremities now. The poor guy. He has been going to the Doctor non-stop for the last 3 months, and that is just not fun, I don't care who you are.

No new news on my Grandma. She is still feeling horribly and behaving even worse. Grandma went to the Doctor today and told her that my Mom has been forcing her to stay at home when we go places, even though Grandma feels "fine". And that is a BLATANT lie, obviously. She has been very sick and has been sleeping all day which is so not like her. K had a play this last weekend and we invited her to go to both performances, but she opted out because she felt so bad. Then she went and told the Doctor she wasn't invited and we just left her home "all alone". OY. She also has a preliminary diagnosis of Alzheimer's. I think that may have something to do with her bad behavior, don't you? Well, and the fact that she's not a nice person, she hasn't even played one on TV. My poor Mom, I don't know how long she will be able to care for someone who is so ungrateful, sour, and hard to deal with. I'd say Grandma is on borrowed time as far as having a full time caregiver goes.

And so life marches on. Now that I know I may not be a call center worker for the rest of my working life I am just tired of my job. It feels tedious. I have GOT to get my head back in the game in case I don't get this new job. I mentally flip off my supervisor at least once a day. Every time she "critiques" me I mentally flip her off over and over in my head. I may be stuck where I am for a whole other year, so I have just got to be content for the time being. I should make myself a poster and hang in my cubicle that says something to the effect that this job may be getting on my last nerve, but it's the best job I've ever had and I just need to suck it up. Do you think that would be a tad too obvious?

Oh and Mom talked to crazydruggiesister today. This week she either has to a) get into residential drug treatment or b) go to jail. She also got rejected for SSI. Good Lawd, that girl cannot keep a job or her sobriety to save her soul. I don't know who did the evaluation, or who showed up for the evaluation, but that is a huge miscarriage of business. She qualifies for disability more than anybody I know or have heard about. I do believe the system may be a tad bit broken.

And so this is my anxiety ridden world. Welcome to it.

Good Gawd life is complicated

Okay, first of all, thanks to everyone for their thoughts on our move. I really appreciate every one's help and advice! No new news yet. Still waiting. Also, I am having keyboard issues, I have keys sticking. So if spellcheck misses a mistake and this sounds like a 5-year-old with a lisp wrote this post, know it's my keyboard that is having language issues and NOT me, okay?

Alright, so my Grandma is VERY sick. As in being in ICU, heart-not- pumping-hard-enough-to-remove-fluid kind of sick. I, as do everyone in my family, have a very complicated relationship with my Grandma. HERE is a small snippet of what I am referring too. Grandma D is my paternal Grandma. My Mom and Dad have lived with her for about the last 3 years. My Mom took care of my Grandpa, her abusive-father-in-law and Grandma's husband, as he lay dieing a little over a year ago. It looks like Mom will be saddled with caring for my Grandma as she lays dieing as well. My Dad and his three sisters are definitely products of their childhood and can be cold as ice at times and don't cope well at ALL. So, it's always up to my Mom. But, that's not what this post is about. It's about guilt, remorse, and longing for something you will never have, nobody how long you or others live.

For most of my life (see picture above of me at 3, with Grandma and T) that I can recall I have lived close to my Grandma. Blocks away really. She has never been a "nice" Grandma who gave you candy and money. She is the kind of Grandma who gives you lectures about your weight, she is truly a 85-year-old anorexic, she in never happy in what she receives. She is all about appearances and how things look or what she can gain out of a situation, she would sell you down the river for a buck. My Grandpa was NOT a nice man. He molested all my aunts, beat my Grandma, and according to some accounts molested his granddaughters. Whether it be for self protection or what, I don't know, but Grandma has been accused of knowing what he was up to all those years ago and never ever did anything about it. T, crazydurggie sister, sometimes calls my Mom, well actually it's one of her "girls" that is young will phone, and before she will talk to my Mom will ask if "Mrs. D" is there, that's what she calls her, not Grandma, not R, but Mrs D. When my Mom will answer NO, T will reply, "Good, because I won't talk if Mrs. D is there. We don't like her. She makes little girls keep her secrets". Whether or not it's true, I don't know, I have no memories of any abuse, but I don't remember a lot, so my memories are faulty as best. I KNOW I was molested by someone but whether it was my Grandpa, my creepy Uncle Larry, or someone other boggy man, I don't know.

But, that's not what this post about either. It's about my love/hate relationship with my Grandma. Who is now dieing. I know I love her and she has had a huge part of my life, and I know I never want to be anything like her. I have looked a bit like her for my whole life, and the biggest slap my Mom could ever give me as child is to say, "you are acting just like Grandma D!". Those there were fighting words, nobody wants to be compared to her that way. Ever. That being said my love for my Grandma has grown over these last three years. Since my Mom has lived there my kids are are at Grandma's a lot. And the relationship my Grandma has been able to have with my kids, espewcially since my Grandpa has died, has warmed my heart. She has been such a better great-grandma to them than she was ever a grandma to me. She even buys them presents, which she hardly ever did in my childhood. And it makes me so happy that they can have such a better relationship with her than I ever had. And in some odd ways my relationship has been healed with her through my children. My Mom said it is truly amazing that I have managed not to let the boy's relationship with Grandma be tainted by my own flawed relationship with her. I think it's because despite everything, I really do love my Grandma and she has had a huge impact on my childhood and adult life.

Now, my grandma is maybe dieing. We may be moving. My Dad has offered Chad a deal with our house. The deal is VERY fair and would work out well for all parties concerned. And would mean a whole lot less stress for me if we do move, and that's a vewry vewry good thing. The only hitch in the get-up would be that my Grandma has to die for it all to work. And her timing would have to be quite soon, relatively speaking. So as much as I want everything to work out, every time I think about our plan, I know my grandma has to die first for it to work. Then I feel such profound guilt, you don't even know. Intellectually I know I am I not such a powerful person that I could actually wish my Grandma dead. But in my heart whenever I think of our plans I feel huge enormous waves of guilt when I hope everything will work out. And I feel like a selfish cow for hoping it all goes my way. And I think about how sad and empty it will feel when she is gone for good and how sad I really will feel. Immediately following that realization is that I feel oh so very conflicted. *sigh*

And I know that even if my Grandma lives for another 10 years she will never be a nice, gentle, or kind person and that too brings one sadness and a profound sense of grief. I also worry that maybe I really am like her more than I would ever admit out loud, and that sends shivers up my spine. As I said, life is complicated at best.

I am freaking out....Atten: EDIT~~

I know...I know..what else is new? But, I really do have a good reason to freak out, promise. And I need you guys to give me your best guesses as to a solution, okay? I am counting on you, my blogging peeps.

So we went and checked out Smalltownsville this last weekend. It's actually not so small and very liveable. We liked it, a lot. Chad called future job today. They are VERY interested in him. Hitch in the get-up, fly in the ointment? It's only part-time. How part time? We're not sure yet. Will know more about that tomorrow when HR calls him back. If he gets at least 24 hours a week, which is probably the case, and I find a new job up there we will be fine. Even if we don't sell this house right away **gulp** (which is reason #1 I am freaking out), we'll be okay once we get moved. Because this new job of his will pay $10/hr more than what he makes now. I am not even going to go into my Mom being a spaz, my sister being off her meds and that she is getting crazier by the second, or trying to figure out where we'll get cash to move if our house doesn't sell right away, and the fact that my Grandma just got out of ICU after a week and is so very ill....

Main major drama for me right this second and is something that I have some some control over? There is a job open in Smalltown for the county at the courthouse that is PERFECT, for me. It's full-time and pays well and has benefits. And would be exactly what I want to do. Except it's available soon, very soon. It closes April 17. YIKES. That's way way too soon people. Chad said I should apply and see what happens. But, what if I get it? And they need me to start in May?!?!??! There is no way in hell we could sell the house and move that fast. So what do I do?

Option A)
Nothing, be paralyzed by fear and indecision and let a very good job that may not come open again pass me by. However, live with the decision in admitting to myself that sometimes good things come at a bad time and you just gotta shake it off and move on baby, move on. ~~Mariah sings about that in "shake it off", "you just gotta shake it off, loving ain't the same, and you just shake it off". Or something like that. Maybe it doesn't apply here? HUH....~~~

Option B)
Apply for job. If I get job try and put off starting as long as possible. Then if our ducks are not in a row or Chad is still recovering from surgery, I could go up there for the work week. And I could either a) rent something and come home on the weekends or b) stay in a cheap, filthy, flea infested hotel and come home on weekends and de-louse myself. While I am all alone, all week, by myself, alone. ~~can y'all hear Donkey from Shrek singing, "I'm all ALLLLONNNNEEE, there's no one beside me, I'm all alone".....No, you can't hear it? Oh never mind, it must just be me...~~

Option C)
Let my crazy tendencies (see any number of posts in this blog for supporting documentation) and indecision take over. When I am successful at that I will get on disability for the rest of my natural life so I don't have to worry about finding a job, commuting, my family being here while I am 2 1/2 hours away. Without my computer. *gulp*

AUGHGGHGHGH. See, this is a serious crisis people. I need help! Tell me what I should do. Give me options D,E,F, and G, won't you? Please!

Oh, and don't worry Tori, we won't move until Chad for sure for sure has the job! But, if he gets it we will move, without a doubt.

Put your thinking caps on people, I need some good ideas here. What would YOU do?

EDIT:EDIT:EDIT:EDIT:EDIT:EDIT:EDIT:EDIT:EDIT:EDIT:EDIT:

Alright, so Chad was offered the job! It may only be 2 days a week to start, but they want Chad to start in July. Yippee~so here's the new plan. I have applyed for the new job. If I get the job we are moving for sure. If I don't get the job then Chad is just going to commute 2 days a week and I will keep my current job until something comes along up there. And in the meantime we, meaning Chad, are going to start doing the comestic stuff to the house that will need to be done for it to be sold. And, no, I haven't told my Mom, she is going to freak out. I think I'll let Chad break it to her, she likes him best.

As the stomach turns is relocating?

When we last left our Heroine~~yours truly, my blog, I am the Heroine damn it~~she was questioning her role at her job and her own existence frankly. Happily all these questions have been resolved in one way or another. But, because this IS a soap opera, "As the Stomach Turns" to be precise we have lots more villains and controversies for our Heroine to be embroiled in.

Beefcake, also known as Passive Aggressive Man in these here parts, is falling apart. Not mentally but physically. He had to have a tendon repaired in his wee little foot. He has to have potentially serious surgery on his wee hand. He is a mechanic. Beefcake is starting to wonder if perhaps he needs to get into a less physically demanding line of work. He has declared, not so quietly, how much he hates, abhors really, our neck of the woods. He wants to move. He wants to move badly.

Therefore, as our Heroine returned skipping home from her shopping excursion with Little Red Riding Hood last Saturday, Little Red for short, he had a surprise for our fearless Heroine. Guess what? He was trolling the Internet in her absence and found an opening for a job teaching mechanics in a small community college about three hours North of our neck of the woods. He was more than excited as he showed our Heroine the job announcement. He had all the qualifications he needed! He was going to apply. This was their ticket out of here, pure Hell in Beefcake's opinion, WOOHOO. Dramatic music pounded in the background. How would our Heroine react? Would she throw herself to the floor in a dramatic fashion cursing the God's as to her ill fate? Would she find out that she had a rare form of Irritable Bowel Syndrome that rendered her incapable of moving out of the county she has lived in for the last 18 years?!?

Nah. She very calmly asked, "Hey, how far is Dinkytownville from Candace", her very best friend in the whole world? "How far is it from real shopping?" After all she just had the fresh taste of good shopping on her delicate palette from her trip with Little Red. As Beefcake told her she would be about an hour and half from BF and about an hour in the other direction from real shopping and other forms of debauchery her heart swelled. "Okay, I can do that," she announced.

Beefcake was thrilled. He thought he'd have to drag her kicking and screaming from their town. This was going to be easier than he thought! There was the matter of sellling the house in this crappy housing market. But, maybe the market will get better by summertime. "Well, we would probably have to move this summer. They are looking for somebody to start by the fall semester 2007," he said with one eye closed wondering about her reaction? Was she going to go crazy on his Beefy ass? Hope swelled his manly chest.

"Well, that be okay," our Heroine reasoned, "that way the boys can start the school year off in a different school. What about the house?" Our Heroine is not only brilliant, cute, and witty, but she's realistic as well. He told her he was worried about that too, but hopefully it would sell quickly. Beefcake couldn't believe it! Who knew our Heroine could be so level headed and easy to deal with? Who knew indeed. This was going to be soooo easy.

UGH-OOH do you hear that? Yes, it is the approaching footsteps of THE IN-LAWS.

Beefcake hadn't counted on the Drama Queen (DQ) herself, our Heroine's mother, who likes to pretend she's a Jewish mother even though we're not Jewish. To say she threw a fit and gave Beefcake and our Heroine a guilt trip of epic proportions would be putting it lightly. "But, if you move that far away I will only see my boys two times a year," she wailed. "What will you do with your house? It's soooo isolated up there. Why would you want to leave MEEEEEEEEEEEE?!?!?!?!" This was all said as she was very pathetically holding one of the boys toys to her chest acting like we had just announced we were moving to Africa and would be joining a cult where you renounced all things from your homeland.

"Ma", our Heroine reasoned, "it's only about three hours away. You can see us whenever you want. The boys can come down for vacations. You can come up. It won't be that bad. We don't even know if Beefcake will get the job. He hasn't even applied yet. He really really hates it here and this could be a great opportunity for him. It could be a very good thing."

"Ma, you and Dad could move up there too ya know. There would be lots of opportunities for Dad to log. You don't like it here anymore than Beefcake." Our Heroine was quite proud of herself. She was handling this like a pro!

"WELLLLLLLLL," DQ responded, "I can never move. We are stuck here taking care of your Grandma. I can never ever move. Not ever." As she said this a tear trembled on her eyelid and her chin quivered.

"AND, who will you use for daycare?" she countered recovering from her moment of contrived emotion. "You won't have family up there, I guess you'll just have to take your kids EVERYWHERE with you. What will you do when they are sick and you have to go to work? What then? What will you do without your family? What's so bad about it here anyway? OHMYGAWD, doesn't it snow up there? Isn't it like 4000 feet?"

At this point our Heroine's eyes glazed over and she looked at her Jewish mother in training and thought, yes indeed, what will I do without my family? Make my own decisions? Live my life? Not have to wonder if I buy white bread instead of wheat what the family will say? Not have to worry about taking her kids to the newest "Star Wars" because she knows VS will freak out, and oh how she did freak out when she found we took our very own kids to Star Wars. She thought of K and all her antics and of VS apparent incredible success in taking over our Heroine's highly publized and complete failure in the parenting of K. And how VS and DQ liked to rub it in her face everyday how good K was doing now that she was with VS, where she belonged all along. It would be very nice not to have to look at that and hear about it everyday. Yes, indeed our Heroine wondered almost out loud, what will she do without her family under her bloody feet ever frickin day of her life? It was hard to make out but she sat very quietly and listened hard she could almost hear angels singing and the slight delicate notes of a harp playing. It sounded like it was coming from, oh I don't know, about 3 hours away.

And then, the phone rang. It was Personality #4 that resides in CrazyDruggie sister..............