Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Test anxiety


Yeah, this is me, see picture above. I have major test anxiety. I have anxiety period. ~Do you realize how many of my posts revolve around my anxiety? It's ridiculous really. I'm telling you, I am just one step away from the loony bin.~ Today my patience ran out and I called the courthouse in which I applied for that job, you know the job you all very wisely encouraged me to apply for? I wanted to know when they would be holding interviews and when I could accept a call back? Harried-lady-who-answered-the-phone-at-human-resources said, "Whoa, there Nelly. You have to test before you get an interview and we are planning on calling and scheduling testing in a few weeks". Gulp. Okay. Has anyone out there in blog land ever taken a test for a County job? What do they test you on, do you know? Is there somewhere I could go on the web to practice? Is it like a DMV test? Will I need to know the proper ways to address a judge or know how many feet I need to stay from the Bench? EEK. Chad reminded me that I took a really hard test to get the job I have now, which is true, and I did fine. How much harder could this test be I wonder? Pre-employment tests are just the pits, no matter how you slice it.
Chad talked to the Dean at the college today. He is scheduled to teach at least two classes, and two more classes for the fall semester! WOO-HOO! Chad is scheduled to go up there on May 16th to speak with the Dean and meet the other instructors. They are also sending him a packet to get a lot of pre-employment what not out of the way. We are just so glad we know that much more about the new job. It's very exciting and nerve wracking all at the same time.
Chad also is scheduled for surgery on May 2 for his wrist. His foot is feeling much better so we are going to fix his upper extremities now. The poor guy. He has been going to the Doctor non-stop for the last 3 months, and that is just not fun, I don't care who you are.
No new news on my Grandma. She is still feeling horribly and behaving even worse. Grandma went to the Doctor today and told her that my Mom has been forcing her to stay at home when we go places, even though Grandma feels "fine". And that is a BLATANT lie, obviously. She has been very sick and has been sleeping all day which is so not like her. K had a play this last weekend and we invited her to go to both performances, but she opted out because she felt so bad. Then she went and told the Doctor she wasn't invited and we just left her home "all alone". OY. She also has a preliminary diagnosis of Alzheimer's. I think that may have something to do with her bad behavior, don't you? Well, and the fact that she's not a nice person, she hasn't even played one on TV. My poor Mom, I don't know how long she will be able to care for someone who is so ungrateful, sour, and hard to deal with. I'd say Grandma is on borrowed time as far as having a full time caregiver goes.
And so life marches on. Now that I know I may not be a call center worker for the rest of my working life I am just tired of my job. It feels tedious. I have GOT to get my head back in the game in case I don't get this new job. I mentally flip off my supervisor at least once a day. Every time she "critiques" me I mentally flip her off over and over in my head. I may be stuck where I am for a whole other year, so I have just got to be content for the time being. I should make myself a poster and hang in my cubicle that says something to the effect that this job may be getting on my last nerve, but it's the best job I've ever had and I just need to suck it up. Do you think that would be a tad too obvious?
Oh and Mom talked to crazydruggiesister today. This week she either has to a) get into residential drug treatment or b) go to jail. She also got rejected for SSI. Good Lawd, that girl cannot keep a job or her sobriety to save her soul. I don't know who did the evaluation, or who showed up for the evaluation, but that is a huge miscarriage of business. She qualifies for disability more than anybody I know or have heard about. I do believe the system may be a tad bit broken.
And so this is my anxiety ridden world. Welcome to it.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Good Gawd life is complicated


Okay, first of all, thanks to everyone for their thoughts on our move. I really appreciate every one's help and advice! No new news yet. Still waiting. Also, I am having keyboard issues, I have keys sticking. So if spellcheck misses a mistake and this sounds like a 5-year-old with a lisp wrote this post, know it's my keyboard that is having language issues and NOT me, okay?

Alright, so my Grandma is VERY sick. As in being in ICU, heart-not- pumping-hard-enough-to-remove-fluid kind of sick. I, as do everyone in my family, have a very complicated relationship with my Grandma.
HERE is a small snippet of what I am referring too. Grandma D is my paternal Grandma. My Mom and Dad have lived with her for about the last 3 years. My Mom took care of my Grandpa, her abusive-father-in-law and Grandma's husband, as he lay dieing a little over a year ago. It looks like Mom will be saddled with caring for my Grandma as she lays dieing as well. My Dad and his three sisters are definitely products of their childhood and can be cold as ice at times and don't cope well at ALL. So, it's always up to my Mom. But, that's not what this post is about. It's about guilt, remorse, and longing for something you will never have, nobody how long you or others live.

For most of my life (see picture above of me at 3, with Grandma and T) that I can recall I have lived close to my Grandma. Blocks away really. She has never been a "nice" Grandma who gave you candy and money. She is the kind of Grandma who gives you lectures about your weight, she is truly a 85-year-old anorexic, she in never happy in what she receives. She is all about appearances and how things look or what she can gain out of a situation, she would sell you down the river for a buck. My Grandpa was NOT a nice man. He molested all my aunts, beat my Grandma, and according to some accounts molested his granddaughters. Whether it be for self protection or what, I don't know, but Grandma has been accused of knowing what he was up to all those years ago and never ever did anything about it. T, crazydurggie sister, sometimes calls my Mom, well actually it's one of her "girls" that is young will phone, and before she will talk to my Mom will ask if "Mrs. D" is there, that's what she calls her, not Grandma, not R, but Mrs D. When my Mom will answer NO, T will reply, "Good, because I won't talk if Mrs. D is there. We don't like her. She makes little girls keep her secrets". Whether or not it's true, I don't know, I have no memories of any abuse, but I don't remember a lot, so my memories are faulty as best. I KNOW I was molested by someone but whether it was my Grandpa, my creepy Uncle Larry, or someone other boggy man, I don't know.

But, that's not what this post about either. It's about my love/hate relationship with my Grandma. Who is now dieing. I know I love her and she has had a huge part of my life, and I know I never want to be anything like her. I have looked a bit like her for my whole life, and the biggest slap my Mom could ever give me as child is to say, "you are acting just like Grandma D!". Those there were fighting words, nobody wants to be compared to her that way. Ever. That being said my love for my Grandma has grown over these last three years. Since my Mom has lived there my kids are are at Grandma's a lot. And the relationship my Grandma has been able to have with my kids, espewcially since my Grandpa has died, has warmed my heart. She has been such a better great-grandma to them than she was ever a grandma to me. She even buys them presents, which she hardly ever did in my childhood. And it makes me so happy that they can have such a better relationship with her than I ever had. And in some odd ways my relationship has been healed with her through my children. My Mom said it is truly amazing that I have managed not to let the boy's relationship with Grandma be tainted by my own flawed relationship with her. I think it's because despite everything, I really do love my Grandma and she has had a huge impact on my childhood and adult life.

Now, my grandma is maybe dieing. We may be moving. My Dad has offered Chad a deal with our house. The deal is VERY fair and would work out well for all parties concerned. And would mean a whole lot less stress for me if we do move, and that's a vewry vewry good thing. The only hitch in the get-up would be that my Grandma has to die for it all to work. And her timing would have to be quite soon, relatively speaking. So as much as I want everything to work out, every time I think about our plan, I know my grandma has to die first for it to work. Then I feel such profound guilt, you don't even know. Intellectually I know I am I not such a powerful person that I could actually wish my Grandma dead. But in my heart whenever I think of our plans I feel huge enormous waves of guilt when I hope everything will work out. And I feel like a selfish cow for hoping it all goes my way. And I think about how sad and empty it will feel when she is gone for good and how sad I really will feel. Immediately following that realization is that I feel oh so very conflicted. *sigh*

And I know that even if my Grandma lives for another 10 years she will never be a nice, gentle, or kind person and that too brings one sadness and a profound sense of grief. I also worry that maybe I really am like her more than I would ever admit out loud, and that sends shivers up my spine. As I said, life is complicated at best.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

I am freaking out....Atten: EDIT~~

I know...I know..what else is new? But, I really do have a good reason to freak out, promise. And I need you guys to give me your best guesses as to a solution, okay? I am counting on you, my blogging peeps.

So we went and checked out Smalltownsville this last weekend. It's actually not so small and very liveable. We liked it, a lot. Chad called future job today. They are VERY interested in him. Hitch in the get-up, fly in the ointment? It's only part-time. How part time? We're not sure yet. Will know more about that tomorrow when HR calls him back. If he gets at least 24 hours a week, which is probably the case, and I find a new job up there we will be fine. Even if we don't sell this house right away **gulp** (which is reason #1 I am freaking out), we'll be okay once we get moved. Because this new job of his will pay $10/hr more than what he makes now. I am not even going to go into my Mom being a spaz, my sister being off her meds and that she is getting crazier by the second, or trying to figure out where we'll get cash to move if our house doesn't sell right away, and the fact that my Grandma just got out of ICU after a week and is so very ill....

Main major drama for me right this second and is something that I have some some control over? There is a job open in Smalltown for the county at the courthouse that is PERFECT, for me. It's full-time and pays well and has benefits. And would be exactly what I want to do. Except it's available soon, very soon. It closes April 17. YIKES. That's way way too soon people. Chad said I should apply and see what happens. But, what if I get it? And they need me to start in May?!?!??! There is no way in hell we could sell the house and move that fast. So what do I do?

Option A)
Nothing, be paralyzed by fear and indecision and let a very good job that may not come open again pass me by. However, live with the decision in admitting to myself that sometimes good things come at a bad time and you just gotta shake it off and move on baby, move on. ~~Mariah sings about that in "shake it off", "you just gotta shake it off, loving ain't the same, and you just shake it off". Or something like that. Maybe it doesn't apply here? HUH....~~~

Option B)
Apply for job. If I get job try and put off starting as long as possible. Then if our ducks are not in a row or Chad is still recovering from surgery, I could go up there for the work week. And I could either a) rent something and come home on the weekends or b) stay in a cheap, filthy, flea infested hotel and come home on weekends and de-louse myself. While I am all alone, all week, by myself, alone. ~~can y'all hear Donkey from Shrek singing, "I'm all ALLLLONNNNEEE, there's no one beside me, I'm all alone".....No, you can't hear it? Oh never mind, it must just be me...~~

Option C)
Let my crazy tendencies (see any number of posts in this blog for supporting documentation) and indecision take over. When I am successful at that I will get on disability for the rest of my natural life so I don't have to worry about finding a job, commuting, my family being here while I am 2 1/2 hours away. Without my computer. *gulp*

AUGHGGHGHGH. See, this is a serious crisis people. I need help! Tell me what I should do. Give me options D,E,F, and G, won't you? Please!

Oh, and don't worry Tori, we won't move until Chad for sure for sure has the job! But, if he gets it we will move, without a doubt.

Put your thinking caps on people, I need some good ideas here. What would YOU do?

EDIT:EDIT:EDIT:EDIT:EDIT:EDIT:EDIT:EDIT:EDIT:EDIT:EDIT:

Alright, so Chad was offered the job! It may only be 2 days a week to start, but they want Chad to start in July. Yippee~so here's the new plan. I have applyed for the new job. If I get the job we are moving for sure. If I don't get the job then Chad is just going to commute 2 days a week and I will keep my current job until something comes along up there. And in the meantime we, meaning Chad, are going to start doing the comestic stuff to the house that will need to be done for it to be sold. And, no, I haven't told my Mom, she is going to freak out. I think I'll let Chad break it to her, she likes him best.