R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Hi, how are you? I haven't heard from you in FOREVER! What's going on with you? I feel like all I ever do is bitch here these days. Thank you to my 2.3 readers who haven't wandered off, you deserve a award! I am normally not such a negative Nelly. But, these days that's what I am. Pissed off and wanting to talk about it!

Here's a newsflash. My family does not respect me, thus the eye catching title and offensive clip art. I am supposed to be at a family dinner right this second. But, I opted out. My mother and newly skinny Vegan sister really pushed my buttons and I told them to go to hell. And then I sent an email to my Mom and told her as much. I also said that I was tired of being treated like a simple minded fat girl that they could just push around at will. And I wasn't coming for the dinner. On principal. Needless to say they are all pissed off at me. Chad is at the dinner, because two of his brothers are there, (Vegan sister and I married brothers and oh Lordy does it make family crap complicated) and I understand, kinda. I kind of feel like he betrayed me too, but it's a tough spot for him to be in. *sigh* Ugh. The whole thing makes me want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head.

Everything else in life is okay. I am pissed off a lot. People annoy the hell out of me on a semi daily basis. Especially people I am related too.

My Grandma got moved to a nursing home. The last I heard she is doing okay. She is holding on to see Vegan sister reach her goal weight, not kidding. Dear Grandma is all about being skinny and looking good and she is so proud of Vegan sister she can barely see straight. Unfortunately losing weight did not make either of them nice people.

Work is okay too. Very busy. Dragon Lady has been tolerable lately. Am still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am heading to Vegas for training again in January. I am going to make it to New York, New York this trip! I was in Vegas for training a few weeks ago and stayed at Caesar's Palace and walked all around the fancy Forum shops and seen some real live call girls. It was the highlight of my trip.

So, tell me. Who has been pissing you off lately? Tell Pollyanna all about it, darlin'.

Grandma

Dear Grandma,

I have to go and see you tomorrow in the ICU unit at the hospital. You may not even live through the night. I am already thinking about what I will say at your funeral when your obnixous daughter wants me to stand up and talk. Here's what's on my mind.

I love you even though you are not a nice person. I don't think you ever were a nice person. Even before Grandpa. But, you are my Grandma and I love you anyway.

I love you even though you weren't the sort of Grandma who gave out cookies or money. You did, however, make the best homemade bread in the world. You would count the calories that went into that bread and then into my mouth, but it was always worth it!

I love you even though you believe that you can never be too rich or too thin. And you feel that no matter the price you have to pay, it's always worth it if you can be really rich and runway model skinny. The end always justify the means. It goes without saying that you haven't been to impressed with my progress in life.

I love you because although you intent is good, or so I like to believe anyway, your delivery is almost always off ,and you love your children fiercely. For the most part your children are a reflection of you and as a result are not good people. They are greedy, mean spirited, sneaky, cruel, and pretentious as hell, just like you. You don't seem to notice though and love your children like a Mother should.

I love you even though you really and truly believes that a good wife will do whatever it takes to make her husband happy. As a result you turned a blind eye when Grandpa beat your children and molested your daughters. It was the 50's and I don't think you knew what else to do. I theorize that you didn't think that you deserved anyone better. The results, as one can imagine, have been devastating, unforgiving, and downright cruel. The ripple effects will be felt for generations to come.

I love you because you used to drive on people's lawns after they had oiled the streets in our little town in Montana, in order to keep down the dust, because you didn't want to get your car dirty. The fact that you were trampling on someone else's private property never seemed to occur to you or bother you. You just knew you didn't want that damn oil getting on your clean car!

I love you even though your love of money would override your sense of conscience and you did some really unkind and selfish acts in order to gain or save a few dollars.

I love you even though you resent children, including my own, and feel that their only purpose in life is too annoy you and steal away attention that would normally be directed towards you.

I love you because you are a drama queen and make no apologies for it.

I love you even though you are a prejudiced so-and-so who doesn't mind voicing your opinions about any race, culture, or creed that doesn't look "white" to her. Never mind the fact that you have always looked very American Indian yourself with your olive skin and jet black hair that didn't even get salt & peppered until you were 80 years old.

I love you because you always call me dear or sweetheart or honey. Oh, and you always gives me a little peck on the cheek.

I love you because you have charm that you can turn on and off at will, when you feel that your kindness or tears will yield you a reward. You are quite the manipulator and know how to get what you want, that's for sure.

I love you even though when I am in a feisty mood, being a bitch, or feeling very adamant about any given subject my Mother will say, "You remind me of your Grandma D so much sometimes". And that, my dear blogging peeps, is not a compliment.

I love you even though you are dying of kidney failure, heart failure, needs surgery that you probably won't live through, yet are still so predictable that I know your reactions before anyone even has to tell me what happened. (e.g. Vegan Sister lost 98 lbs (whatever, I don't want to talk about it thankyouverymuch) and even though you are dying you propped herself up in bed, sent the Doctors away, and asked Vegan Sister to sit next to the bed just so you could look at her and her new found thinness).

Oh Grandma, I knew you were going to do that as soon as Vegan Sister started losing weight. Which is exactly the reason I do not want to go and see you. I haven't lost any weight at all and I can't bear to see the embarrsement and disappointment in your eyes. And I really don't want you to tell me how I can do it since Vegan Sister did, but you will . And as a result of my deep seated shame long ago placed there on my fat shoulders by you, shame I have been unwilling to let go of , I will slink into your hospital room tomorrow in the cardiac ICU and hope you are so happy to see me and that you don't notice. But, of course you will and I will obsess about it for weeks. Long after you have died, I am sure. *sigh*

I love you Grandma, obvious glaring warts and all, and I always will.

Real Quick

Hello, I am here to report that I am still alive. Just very busy. And kinda sick. I have completely lost my voice. The kids are loving it. I have taken to pointing and snapping my fingers at them. I can't say as it's 100% effective.

My FIL got us a digital camera! So, I may be able to post pictures on here like a real blogger very soon. I must warn you though, I SUCK at taking pictures and am even worse at uploading anything to blogger. I don't have real high hopes for the whole picture process, do you?

I need to tell ya all about our camping trip & my recent attendance at a Tupperware/Pampered Cupboard/Gold Canyon party. Geez, it was traumatic. I forgot how scary a room full of women can be! OY VEY. But, we'll save that for next time.

How are YOU? What's up with you? Have you lost weight? You look FABULOUS!

Kisses,
Pollyanna

I didn't realize I was holding my breath. . .

I let out a huge sigh of relief today. The funny thing is I didn't realize I was holding my breath. Chad found a marble sized lump on one of his manly parts about 2 months ago. We have been worried sick. After 2 rounds of antibotics and a ultrasound he went to a urologist today. And he's fine. It's a epidermal something or other. Perhaps a long overdue side affect of the snippy-do-da 6 years ago. Doesn't matter, all I know is that we don't have to schedule surgery or wait to get bioposy results back and for that I am grateful. And taking a huge, huge sigh of relief!!!!!

Next time I'll tell you about our 17th wedding anniversary and the camping trip! It was spine tingling, literally.

Lonely

I have concluded, on my many a sleepless night, that I need a friend like me. A friend that will listen to my deep dark secrets, worries, and fears without getting completely wigged out. I need a friend who will text or email me even while she's on vacation just to check in to say hello. I need a friend who will call me just to chat. I need a friend who understands that although I LOVE and ADORE my kids there is more to me than just a Mommy.

I don't like to toot my own horn, but I AM a friend like this. And I am lonely. And I wish I had a friend like me. I watched Sex & the City Friday. Do you think people have girlfriends like that in real life? And if they do, where do they find such great bosom buddies who will fly off to Mexico with them when their fiance leaves them at the altar? And, if these girlfriends aren't a Urban myth, where can I find a Sex & the City girlfriend(s) of my very own?

I also seen Candace this weekend and she said that I need therapy. I don't need a friend, I need a therapist. Ouch. Although, to be fair, I did tell her I feel like I am inching closer and closer to a breakdown on the really bad days, that's probably why she thinks I need a therapist. Although I like to think I am part social worker/quasi therapist; Candace draws the line at anything remotely personal and I make her want to crawl out of her skin quite often. She doesn't even like to watch Dateline or Law & Order, because it all gives her a stomach ache. So, needless to say, with all my various issues I cause her a great degree of stomach discomfort, ulcers, and possibly a bad case of colitis.

I don't know. I fear my loneliness is quite complicated and multi-layered. Sort of like a 7-layer-bean dip, only not half as appetizing or as nice to look at.

Super Mommy and I are friends, but only at work. She can barely squeeze me in for lunch, and even when we do go to lunch we usually have her Mom and her 4-year-old son chaperoning our conversations lest we get too serious or too personal. Her real life is much to full and busy for the likes of me. She has enough needy little people in her life that she doesn't need a fat, depressed, 5'9 WHITE girlfriend tugging at her sleeve too. Frankly I afraid that I am the wrong race for Super Mommy and I to ever be really good friends. I fear she will never really let me in, because I'm "white" and she just doesn't enjoy or trust "white" people. *sigh*

I have Chad. And I love and adore him and he IS my best friend. But, I still yearn for a best girly friend.

So, how about you? Where did you meet your greatest friends? Do you think it's possible to have Sex & the city girlfriends in real life? Is your husband your best friend and is he enough?

broken

This made me cry. I don't know why. I mean, I know that my sister is a heroin addict and left rehab because of a dirty drug test, but still...feast your eyes on what I found on the Orange County website:

P, Tawnia
Warrant File Number: 03157109
Charge 1:
BATTERY-COHABITANT
Bail Amount:
$25,000.00

Warrant File Number: 03157108
Charge 1:
POSS OF PARAPHERNALIA
Bail Amount:
$25,000.00

Charge 1:
UNDER INFLUENCE OF DRUGS
Bail Amount:
$25,000.00

Warrant File Number: 03157106
Charge 1:
POSS OF PARAPHERNALIA
Charge 2:
POSS HYPO NEEDLE SYRINGE
Bail Amount:
$25,000.00

UGH...isn't that just sad? And this isn't what is supposed to happen in good families? Oh, I am mourning. I am mourning my little sister that I will never get back. And the fact that she'll probably die in a ditch somewhere. And it makes me cry. And I hate it.....she is broken and so am I.

I watched Oprah today and dealt with child pedophiles and that made me cry too. It hit a little too close to home. I had a very creepy Uncle Larry and it all just resonates with me a little too much. They are broken and so am I.

I inherited one wordly belonging from my Grandmother--a yellow mixing bowl that she used to make sourdough pancakes in when I was a kid and we would come for a visit. I don't like to use it because I am afraid it will break. Yesterday Chad made a batch of salsa and used my Grandma's bowl. Trent was unloading the dishwasher tonight and he accidentally dropped it and it shattered into a hundred pieces. Some big jagged pieces of glass that were very easy to spot lay on the old and cracked linoleum. There were little shards of glass that caught the soft light in the kitchen and the light danced from those pieces as it caught your eye just right. Then there were some tiny shards of glass that can easily get overlooked and hide from the brisles of the broom. But, when you step on them you know they are there---it feels like they are piercing through your foot, almost to the bone. The pain is instant and sometimes you can't even see what's causing the pain, you just know that the glass is in there, buried deep and unseen but so very painful none the less. Sometimes the wound will even bleed and you can dig and dig at your foot and yet you will not find the little tiny piece of glass that is causing so much pain. You know the glass is there, and you know it hurts like hell but you can't find it no matter how hard you look. So you wait for your foot to fester and hope that eventually your body will expel the foreign matter that has caused you so much pain. The bowl is broken and so am I.

And that, ladies and gents is what my day was like--tiny pieces of information that have pierced my heart to the center of my being. *sigh*

I must say however that although I wanted to cry and yell when I seen the bowl that broke, I did not. I knew it was just a accident and swallowed my tears and just made sure that the boys didn't step in the glass. I was also glad that the bowl died a good death, it made salsa and that would make my Grandmother very very happy. I may be broken but hopefully my sons won't be.

Just call me Grace

Anybody that knows me in real life knows I am not exactly graceful or a glider. Ya know, a glider, those women that look like they are just floating and can walk in 22 inch heals and still just kind of glide along. A glider. My 5'9 inches was completely wasted on me as I am a TOTAL klutz. With bones made of titanium apparently. Milk does a body good people!

At the clinic where I work they are completely revamping the parking lot because of all the slip and falls last winter, two of which were due to yours truly and my cat like reflexes. Everything is tore up and we have to walk quite a ways into work until the parking lot revamp is done. I had a glorious Monday morning before ever arriving to work--I ripped my pants on the way out the door and had to change them, Connor missed the bus so I had to drive him to school, and had a overall shitty morning when I finally made it to work. WHEW! I am here, I thought. I had places to go, work to be done, and people to impress. I was hustling down the sidewalk when the HEAD of the "company" comes up behind me and me being the social being that I am, turn to say hello. B-i-g mistake. I tripped, and fell FLAT on my face. I am talking splat, my bag flew one way, my sunglasses skidded down the dirt embankment, my yogurt rolled down the hill, I think some tampons rolled down ahead of the yogurt, and I was sprawled out in a most unflattering and compromising position. My huge head boss just kind of stood there and watched me pick myself up from the ground. Well, actually I couldn't quite get up so he attempted to help me. I got half way up and fell AGAIN! At this point cars are whizzing by and the main head of the nursing department came and helped me up too. I made it up this time and went tottering off to work with my pride dragging 100 feet behind me. I managed to bloody up my hand and completely tear my knee up but am fine other than that. It was humiliating, mortifying, and just plain embarrassing. I can't think about it without getting flustered and weak in the knees. And that doesn't help my Bambie-just-learning-to-walk-on-ice gait I must admit.

To help aliviate my public humilation I decided to put it out there for the whole Internet to read, because apparently misery loves company.

Holy Crap is it September already?!

Lord help me, I cannot believe it's September already and I haven't posted since the middle of August. Am I a bad blogger or what?

Mama's Losin' it is having a writing assignment over at her blog, but I don't feel like thinking that hard, although her writing prompts are VERY good. My brain just isn't working.

I was going to take pictures of the boys in the new hats they picked out this weekend at Cabala's, but then I remembered that I don't have a digital camera and I JUST now got pictures back that we took of the snow this last winter. *sigh* So, that's not gonna work. Suffice to say the hat's are so cute. Trent got a cameo baseball cap and Connor got a Brian Fellow's (of SNL parody fame) fishing hat. Cute, so very very cute. But, don't tell them I said that or they'll stop wearing them immediately.

The boys both started back to school on August 25th. So far it's going just fine. Trent thinks his teacher is very cool and Connor is doing well in 3rd grade despite skipping 2nd grade! That kid is scary smart. They have back to school teacher conferences ( I know!) already. So, I will be going to those very fun meetings this week and getting acquainted with their teachers. I also signed up for the PTA. Yes, I am going to be a PTA Mom. How scary is that?! I am going to see if I can get Super Mommy to go with me. Because, well, she's a Super Mommy and I'm not! Although, she is picking the kids up for me this week because they have minimum days--and guess what her house is NOT perfect! I have to admit that it did make me feel a little tiny bit better. Isn't that horrible? I am just mean I guess. She did have homemade chocolate chip cookies on the counter when I arrived so she's still a Super Mommy in my book!

Work is good. I have been working my reduced scheduled (I get off at 3 now) for the last 3 weeks and so far I am getting everything done. I am learning payroll and it's not too bad really. Brooke (I have to think up a pseudonym for her but I don't know her well enough yet) started working on Tuesday to replace Mace. She is VERY smart and quiet so I think she'll work out just fine.

Crazydruggiesister was in jail, then rehab, and now she's out of rehab (why they don't just send her back to jail I don't know) because she failed a piss test and is homeless once again. I worry about her so much when she's not locked up. We were writing letters when she was in jail and rehab and it makes my heart bleed for her. She is just not well and is so mentally ill and addicted to heroine. It's very very very sad. And worrisome. *sigh*

Annie wants to know about my Big Brother. Oh how I love thee. I was so very excited when both Ollie and Michelle got voted off! YIPPEE. I think Renny is going to get voted off this week, and that's a real bummer, I really hope that Dan wins! And then Big Brother will be over in a few weeks and Amazing Race will start!!!!! I heart my reality TV, I bet you can barely tell, huh?

And that's it for now. What's new with YOU?

Youch!

I have a confession to make, I tend to get my feelings hurt way way too easily and make mountains of mo hills. Whew...now that I got THAT off my chest. . .

I had lunch with two of my girly work friends today. One of them, let's call her Eve, announced she is 3 months pregnant with her first baby! Awesome good news! Yippee for Eve! She is a very nice person, she's 31, and will be a great Mom.

So, me and Super Mommy, who is my very bestest work friend we get along like pb&j, where gushing over her pregnancy and Eve looks pointedly at SM (Super Mommy) and says, "Okay, you are going to have to tell me EVERYTHING about being pregnant and being a Mom, since you have four kids and have done this before".

I, jokingly, said, "Hello, Eve, I'm sitting right here, I have 2 kids remember, what am I chopped liver?" SM and I start giggling because I don't know, we think I'm funny I guess.

Eve replies, "Well, yeah, but I hear everybody talking about SM like she's a awesome Mom and is just wonderful at the whole Mommy thing. I have NEVER heard anybody call YOU a super Mom".

I said, "Yeah, that's true. I'm not a super Mom. But, I am a Mom and I have been pregnant before! I can tell you lots of things, promise."

Eve just kind of smiled at me and said again to Super Mommy she had lots of questions for HER.

YOUCH. My feelings are majorly hurt, should I be offended? Or do you think that in Eve's first time motherness she just thinks the only advice that is good is if it comes from somebody who has perfected the art of mothering?

To be fair, Super Mommy really is a Super Mommy. She has 4 kids, cooks from scratch, is married but is practically a single parent because she husband works out of town, and all of her kids are in a zillion sports each, and she's very active in the community. If any of my blogging peeps can recall, I am NONE of those things. My only claim to fame is the fact that my kids are still alive and aren't in major trouble for anything yet. Chad is definitely the better parent! He is an awesome parent. He really really is. Me, not so much.

So, my question is this, do you think that your value as a parent goes down when you are bad at it? And should my feelings be hurt by Eve's remark or should I just chalk it up to being a new Mommy? Help me out here, please!

I heart Denver

Hiddy ho good neighbor, I'm back from Denver! And can I just say it was a great trip? I heart Denver. I really do. It's a very cool city. I would love to go back there someday for a vacation and see more of the sites.

It really was a very good work trip. I got to see this awesome performer at the opening ceremonies of the conference we attended. He ROCKED. Go and click around his site a little and listen to some of the clips,I'll wait. SEE! Isn't he great? He is a very good entertainer.

We also got to see this band perform one day in a open square at the World Trade Center in Denver. I know, I didn't know that Denver had a WTC either. It made me a little nervous whenever I heard a plane flying overhead. *ahem* Anyway, watching the band perform over the lunch hour was a kick and very relaxing.

We also rode the subway/monorail train thingy in Denver. That was okay, but scared the crap out of me. I felt totally like a sitting duck. I thought Mr. Incredible was going to have to give me a shot of Valium before the stupid shuttle drive got his lazy ass over to the station to pick us up. Yikes. A big tough city girl I am NOT.

Mr. Incredible was fine actually. He didn't annoy me half as much as I thought he would, so that surprised the hell out of me. He's actually a very nice man who is very kind and compassionate. I like him more now that I did before we went on this trip, and that is always a good thing.

OH, and we seen this big blue bear every day at the convention center. His feet were where Mr. Incredible and I met up every day after our classes were over. I wish I could have brought this little guy home with me, he was just so cute!

I got to go to this rockin store in the Denver Pavilion too! OHMYWORD, this was the coolest store I ever been to in my life. Not kidding. I LOVED it.

Anyway, it was a great trip. Everything here is fine. Same old same old. Getting ready for school to start back up again. Trying to figure out where we will find the money for school clothes. You know how that goes. This summer just flew by, didn't it? It will be snowing and freezing ass cold here in Quasi Montana before we know it!

Okay, how are you? What's going on in YOUR world?!

Cross dressing campers & bats, oh my

I recently have came to some startling conclusions. For one, we went camping for 3 long bug filled nights with Candace & family. I didn't die. That was good. I love camping so much I may never go again. I can't believe how DIRTY and labor intensive camping is. Lord. I haven't been camping since I was a teenager and I forgot how much effort and work everything is when you're out in the frickin' woods. I still don't understand why people enjoy hanging out in the woods pretending like they are homeless. We all pay really good money to live in a house, so why do we enjoy going and pretending like we are vagabonds without a home and living off the land? Huh, why?!?!


When we were camping I dreamt that Connor grew up to be a cross dresser. That's what pretending to live off the land will do to a person. Give you crazy assed wild dreams. No thank you. I am already crazy enough, thankyouverymuch.


I leave for Denver on Monday for work, I'll be gone all week. I am excited and nervous. The flying always freaks me out and this is a fairly long flight. I am going with my supervisor, Mr Incredible. (He's not REALLY incredible, he actually annoys me daily, but he looks just like Mr. Incredible--the cartoon guy not some hot body builder type). Hopefully he'll be good traveling company. We'll see. I don't have high expectations frankly.


I have never been to Denver, so that part is very exciting. As an added bonus I love being a guest in a hotel, I am a dork, so I am jazzed about that part too. And it's not camping. The not camping part thrills me. Anyplace I can go to the bathroom in the wee hours of the morning without the aide of a flashlight or the fear of being attacked by a huge stalking frog (!) makes me a fan.


Mace appealed her dismissal, of course she did. The decision was upheld by the Board. I am more than relieved. I almost had to go and testify before the Board regarding the parking lot situation, but then they decided that I didn't have to attend unless they absolutely needed me. And they didn't need me. That made for a happy day! I hope I never have to come face to face with Mace. Good riddance you loony!


Big Brother 10 started! YIPPEE!!!!!! I love me some Big Brother. I don't have any faves yet. All the blond twinsy girls have got to go though. They look like one person to me.


Crazydruggie sister is in jail again. *sigh*

My Dad can be a real asswipe. And he lives in a logging camp 6 months out of the year and loves it, which really makes his sanity or lack there of suspect.

OH, and this morning I was totally a rock star. I captured a real live bat in my kitchen and took it outside by myself. Like the grown up that I am. Yep, a bat. In my kitchen. Maybe I am not living in civilization after all. Hmmm.....

A fairy tale

Once upon a time there lived a dame. We shall name her Jane. Jane worked in an office with a bunch of other people, including the most-annoying-coworker-ever (mace). Mace was really really really getting on Jane's nerves, like big time. Jane really wasn't sure how much more of Mace's antics she can take. Jane may or may not have been kind of in a way held sort of against her will in the parking lot of her work by Mace for 2 whole hours. It's hard to really describe the events without disclosing too much information in this fictional story about fictional people in a fictional land far far away. Suffice it to say that Jane was completely unnerved by the experience, and now Mace no longer works in Jane's office!

Jane, being the sensitive girly girl that she is, feels somewhat responsible for the fact that Mace no longer works where Jane does. Jane hates to make people sad. But Jane hates being creeped out even more. And creeped out Jane was. Jane is very happy she won't have to deal with Mace, but is feeling really really guilty at the same time. Jane is a really complicated kind of dame.

The end. . .

Pollyana

I came to a startling conclusion last night. I am Anne of Green Gables, or Pollyana. . .only with more sarcasm. I want everything to be rainbows and butterflys. I am shocked frankly. I didn't realize I was so, well, girly I guess. And emotional. And, dare I say, pathetic?! I thought I was jaded, rugged, worldly, and wise. Yeah, maybe not so much. UGH. The truth hurts.

More on this later my dear blogging peeps.

I.am.so.tired

Hell yeah, I'm still here. I am just so. very. tired. I was tired before we left (so much drama at my work, I can't even tell you), then we went to Cowpoke country to visit Candace and family this last weekend. Candace and her super duper cool girlfriends (HILARIOUS TOO) and I went out drinkin' on Friday night. We got home at around 2 A.M. Yes, 2 in. the. morning. And we all had a autism class to attend the next day. Holy crap. I drank 4 margaritas on the rocks and laughed until my sides hurt watching the drunk residents of Cowpoke boogie down to a 80's cover band. I felt like I was at a family reunion, only these cowpokes were dressed better than my family could ever dream of. Candace and I were asked to dance by a VERY drunk patron would informed us that he was the best catch in the casino that night. We declined, even after that great pick up line, and then he asked what our last name was. WTF? Candace said it was the same as our husbands, so our answer was still no. That confused him for a minute and then he decided it was a good enough answer for him and stumbled away. Damn it, why do we have to be married when there are so many fish in the sea?

We also had the pleasure of watching an incredibly good-looking couple gyrating and rubbing up against each other on the dance floor, song after song. If there isn't a baby born in 9 months after those dances it'll be a damn miracle. I admired their longevity frankly. As well as their ability to not go out and consummate their union in the back of their pick-up truck. I don't know for sure that they were driving a pick-up, but I imagined they came rolling in sporting a dinged up beauty with a gun rack holding a snow brush in the back window and a tie down strap holding the passenger door shut. Yeah, some of my cousins may or may not drive a truck like that, why do you ask?

Anyway. . . boy howdy, let me tell you, nursing a killer hangover on barely any sleep is not much fun at the ripe old age of 38. AND then having to go to an training about autism and look like you didn't come rolling in at 2 AM is no easy feat either. And I am still recovering. Every night this week I have in bed snoring by 7 P.M. Oh dear God in Heaven, it's 9:06 PM, I gotta go to sleep. No wonder I am yawning my face off trying to write this post! 9:06 PM people. Very. Late. How pathetic am I?

It was all worth it though, I had a great time, I can't remember the last time I was out that late, drank that much, or laughed that hard. All night. It was AWESOME. And I will do it again as soon as I can stay up past 9:30 PM again. It may take me 6 months, but I WILL kick this damn hangovers ass.

Juvenile Delinquent

I am heading off for a Muffins with Mom's party with Connor's class here in about 15 minutes. He just informed me we have to dance. There was NOTHING about dancing on the original invitation, I am all nervous now. He isn't the juvenile delinquent, well not yet anyway.

In the last week Trent has been caught throwing rocks at school--directed at a neighbor's house across the street--, using his jack knife (which Chad and I are STILL fighting about) to whittle on a tree limb while we were at a musical event at the community college, and got a "F' in Math (AGAIN) on his progress report. Oh yes, I am VERY proud. I can't believe he's only 10 and all of this is happening already. Ohmyword. Do any of my blogging peeps have great words of advice for me on appropriate punishments? He has Saturday school already for the rock throwing fiasco, he is grounded from the TV and computer for a week due to his grades, and I have the knife in my possession until he turns 18 or Chad wrestles it out of my cold, dead hands.

Later gaters.

Physical manisifestions of stress & how I know Trent won't be a MD when he grows up

So, I have had hives since Monday. I don't mean these Hives either. *sigh* I went to the Doctor yesterday, which I loathe, so that will tell you how miserable I was/am. She took a look at me, talked to me for about 15 minutes and declared it was pure anxiety and stress coming out and manifesting itself in my skin. She doubled my Zoloft RX and suggested I take walks to help with my anxiety. Gee lady, that was helpful. I then walked back into my office and sent a email to my boss requesting that due to my state of mind could I please have Friday off? She said, "Take Friday off and Thursday too". I said okay. And here we are. Three people have asked me if I thought she gave me Thursday off to be nice or because she was pissed, but frankly I don't care. I had today off and tomorrow too and I don't really care how or why I got them off. Yes, I may regret that later, but for today it felt really good. I also decided to just quit school. I am going to get a "F" in these last two classes I was signed up for, and it's going to do a bad number on my 4.0 GPA, but I don't really care.

Well, actually, that's a lie. Whenever I think about my 4.0 GPA doing a nosedive with my 2 F's I am on the verge of a full blown panic attack. Can anyone say over achiever?

SO, what, my dear blogging peeps, you may be asking yourself is causing all this stress? Well, to start with, my job is a hell hole. I think we have established THAT fact, haven't we? But, here's what you may or may know:

1. On Saturday I found out that the man who married Chad & I has bone cancer. His prognosis is NOT good. I completely adore this man and his whole family. It's sad beyond words. And blatantly unfair. I do not believe that God tests us or makes bad things happen to us. But, this does seem to be incredibly cruel when you consider who these people are. Every time I think about John and the fact that he is sick I want to just crawl into a hole and cry. So very sad.
2. On Saturday I also talked to a girlfriend of mine whom I haven't talked to in over a year. Yeah, we have lost touch a little bit with our move and everything else. We have been friends for about 20 years now. She is one of the strongest people I know. So strong and so sure in what she wants. She has a very nice husband, he and Chad could be twins. They even kind of look alike. Chad was in her & her husbands wedding party. It turns out she has had a little bit of a nervous breakdown herself. In the last 3 months she left her husband, quit her job, quit our church, in which she was a VERY active member, and just generally quit her life. She has went back to her husband but has one foot out the door, in my humble opinion. It's very very sad. It wasn't even like talking to my old friend. I still can't wrap my head around the whole conversation. I just kept saying, to myself, what the HELL happened to her? It was earth shattering and not in a good way.
3. I talked with Kendra from juvvy on Saturday night wherein she filled me in on the gory details of how she came to be a street prostitute and etc. etc. To say it was a disturbing conversation is a major understatement. The most eerie part was how matter of fact and un-creeped out and un-scared she was about the whole experience. I think the child is numb, which is incredibly dangerous.
4. We are having major money problems. Again. I haven't quite got my finger on what our undoing was this time, I think it may have been Chad & the boys trip to Montana to visit his crazy mother which cost a lot of stinking money. We are in bad bad bad financial shape. I get paid tomorrow and after we get the check book out of the red and pay a few bills we will be flat broke, I don't even know if we will have grocery money, for two weeks. Ohmygawd, I hate this. I am working at a job I hate where I make good money, and Chad has 2 jobs & we are still this broke. UGH.
5. Connor was diagnosed as having high functioning autism. Truthfully, I knew it. And Trent also has high functioning autism. So it's not shocking. And we may be getting some help from some local state agencies which will be a relief. And the meeting went better than I expected. But, it's still just yucky to know something is wrong with your kid. And this is the selfish side of me talking, the thought of all the new meetings I am going to have to go to at the school gives me anxiety too. We have to redo his IEP. They want to redo Trent's evaluation too, which is good in theory, but again it will mean more meetings. And then I will have to ask for more time off from work. And, well, that makes me anxious, because breathing and living my life makes me anxious. Lord help me.

So there you have it. This is what has lead to the hives outbreak of 2008. Aren't you glad you asked?!?!?!

Okay, so now a quick story about how I know I am right. About everything. Well, Trent wanted a jack knife. I said absolutely not. Everybody, including Candace~the traitor~said I was being too overprotective and a 10-year-old boy should have a jack knife. So, Chad went to the store the other night to get me more liquor and he & Trent bought a jack knife. I was one unhappy Mommy. Within 15 minutes Trent cut his thumb open and had BLOOD everywhere, we thought he may have to get stitches. He kind of passed out in the bathroom. This is how we know he will not be a doctor when he grows up. And that I am right about EVERYTHING. Trent can no longer have the jack knife when Chad isn't home because I too am queasy and told Chad that he will have to be here to stop the bleeding. Because, yes, I know that he will cut himself again. And probably pass out again too.

Do you have any good advice for me? Any suggestions for the cure of stress induced hives? Speak up, leave me a comment already!!!

I am home and may be a wanted woman!

On to other news, crazydruggiesister is in jail! And I discovered it when I checked the Orange County website for the sheriff department (which I have bookmarked) for who's in jail and seen that she was incarcerated. However, I was less than thrilled when I clicked on her aliases names and seen that she had been using my name as a alias!! Lovely. I am probably a wanted person in 12 counties in California. i am surprised I was able to get through the security at the airport, they probably had me on some watch list or something. Good Lord. It is is a huge relief that crazydruggiesister is in jail, because now I know that she will be safe for at least a few weeks until they let her out again. Kendra is still in juvvy in Las Vegas, gee it never occurred to me to go and visit her. She is supposed to be testifying against her pimp in the next few weeks. Ah yes, mother and daughter two peas in a pod.

I have a jury duty summons on March 12th. I am actually very excited because I love courtrooms and trials. I really hope they choose me for jury duty! Maybe it will be a juicy case?

Chad and the boys are going to Montana over their spring break at the end of March. I am staying home. I will miss them but am glad I don't have to go. My mother-in-law hates me. And she is crazy.

Life is good.

Teenage waste land

Dear Internet,

I hesitate to even write the crap down that is floating inside my head, because, well, it seems so mean and downright bitchy. However, I know that you, dear sweet internet, will understand. You are so forgiving of me, besides I am up with heart burp in the middle of the night, and I think the only cure is to get this ugliness out of my system.

To my niece Kendra,

I love you more than words can express. I have loved you ever since your crazy mother came to live back home with us when she was 4 months pregnant with you, after being on the run for more than 2 years. She turned our lives upside down yet again. I know that it's not your fault that your mother is crazy and a drug addict. I know it's not your fault that when she came back Uncle Chad and me were trying to plan our wedding and all of a sudden everything was about your mother and not about us anymore. I understand you can't help that your mother married your rapist father in prison only 2 days before my wedding, when she was 9 months pregnant with you, just to upstage my own big day. I tell you these things not to make you feel guilty but instead so that you will understand. Understand that my love for you has survived and grown despite the fact that your arrival into my life has been anything but perfect or without complications.

Your behavior has been confusing me for quite some time now. I thought you had finally figured it out after all the trouble you had been in. I thought that you understood all the pain you had caused. You have been living with Grandma (my mom) for the last 12 months or so and haven't ran away for a good 6 months. I thought we were making progress! It seemed we had finally turned that provibal corner. You turned 16 and Grandpa said he would buy you a car, you got a job, you were doing awesome in school. Life was good, right?

You were missing for a little over a week this time around. I feared the worst, Brianna Dennison was looming in my consciousness. I did not know how my heart would beat and I would continue breathing if you died. Yesterday Grandma called to tell me that you were arrested in Las Vegas. Las Vegas? Yes, and although the details are sketchy at this point you are in juvvy in Vegas and go to court today. Running away is not against the law so you must have done something big this time. The cop that called Grandma works in the teenage runaway prostitute division so one's imagination doesn't have to wander very far to come to conculsions.

WHY? What were you thinking? Have you no appreciation for how good you have it? This is not the first time you have ran away and suffered horribly devestating consquences. You know how many bad people there are out in the big bad world. I just don't get it. I really really don't. When will this stop? When will you decide that enough is enough? Do you really really want your mother's life? You seem to be hell bent on living it, don't you? It hasn't exactly been a bed of roses for her, has it? As I type this she is on the run from the law and has 4 warrants out for her arrest and is addicted to herion. I am thinking she probably isn't having the time of her life.

Your behavior and selfishness makes me so angry that I can't see straight. And right after I get really angry I feel guilty. Guilty because I DO love you so much and I want you to live a good life and people that you truly love shouldn't make you as angry as I feel sometimes. After the guilt I am filled with intense sadness because I just don't know when you are going to stop and I don't want you to lose you. Immediately following the sadness is grief for the that sweet little girl that I adored so much that seems to be lost & gone forever. What went wrong? What could we have done differently to make things turn out better for you???

I am grateful that you are okay this time. I hope that you haven't contracted yet another VD or are pregnant. I pray that you are sent back to juvvy for a very long time so that you will be safe. I am hoping against hope that Grandma doesn't try and fix this for you yet again. You have got to feel some consquences for your behavior dear sweet girl or I fear what will happen to you. As much as I love Dateline I don't know what to see a episode starring you.

I love you.

Your aunt Jodi

At least one of us is a writer....

In what seems a hunderd million years ago, when I started going to college in 2004, my biggest dream was to become a writer. A really good writer, who was published, invited onto Oprah, published. . . all that happy horse shit. It seems as though that dream as well as my frequently updating this blog has went out the window in my ever present quest to pay my rent and buy groceries. Bah humbug to real life.

However, this morning, in 15 minutes in fact, I am going to Connor's school for an assembly where he is winning an award for being a young author. He is getting an award and his picture in the paper and EVERYTHING. It's very exciting. And a good reminder to me that not that long ago I dreamed of being a writer as well. I have got to get my priorties straight interent. What dreams have you forsaken in the ever tiring attempt to get through day to day life?

I fell in a snow bank and couldn't get up

I fell after work in the parking lot of work on Tuesday because it was literally like a skating rink out there. I am fine. Thank goodness for my very large behind that I landed on and that it was 5:30 so nobody seen me. My 80-year-old coworker had baked Chad a pie because he had shoveled for her when it snowed 27 times ago. I was carrying the homemade pie when I fell and it slid way across the parking lot sort of like a very large hockey puck, if I was playing hockey I would have TOTALLY made a goal. After I fell I looked around and thought DAMN IT, now I have to get up and retrieve that pie on the freaking other side of the parking lot. Of course my purse went the complete opposite way. I had to re slide to other freaking side of the parking to pick that up and then I then discovered that I had a purse full of snow and ice. I am thinking if somebody was taping me we could have won $10,000 on AFV. The pie actually didn't break, isn't that amazing? I was really hoping for huge bruises on me to prove that I fell, but instead I was just super sore on Wednesday and looked like Frankenstein. My butt hurt, my knee hurt, my elbow hurt and I was moving oh so very slowly. *sigh*

YES, I am super duper happy we moved to where it snows every freaking day for 4 months straight, thanks for asking.

Huh?

Do you ever have a kind of day when you look around and wonder "who's life this is anyway?" And what in the hell am I doing here?

You have?! Oh good. Then you won't find my news very shocking or surprising. For one, this weekend we have a BLIZZARD warning for our area. A what?! Am I still in California? I know the map says we are in California, but the weather says we are in Montana or Idaho or something. And I'm from Montana so I know Montana weather when I see it. And blizzard warnings are NOT California weather okay. Chad is thrilled and can't stop smiling. The sick SOB. We have plenty of firewood split, we have the necessary staples like rum, chocolate, lamp oil, and trashy novels to read in case the power goes out for 5 days and I am stuck in this house with two exuberant boys and their father whom I may want to stick in a snow bank until spring. I'm just sayin'.

Speaking of sick SOB's and Montana. My MIL. *sigh* She is crazy. No, I'm not just saying that, the woman is certifiable. She is paranoid and thinks her 69-year-old husband is having an affair and his mistress and her mother are trying to kill her. It's a long and sad tale I don't care to recount. You wouldn't believe me anyway because it is that crazy. Oh, and did I mention she is having severe memory loss? And she hates ME, like completely despises me and even in her bat shit crazy state seems to remember that little detail. That isn't new, she has always hated me, has told me she hates me, and will never forgive me for tricking Chad into marrying me and moving him to California. Oh yes, the woman and I have a fantabulous relationship. What is her diagnosis you ask? Oh, they have never bothered to get her any help or find out what is causing said paranoia and memory loss, because well, that would just be something sane people do, and neither her crazy husband or the rest of them have any sanity between them. ANYWAY, Chad talked to his step dad on New Year's and he said that he can't imagine he'll be able to keep caring for MIL for too much longer and he needs Chad's help. So, Chad gets off the phone and tells me to start mentally preparing myself because we will probably need to move back to Montana in a few years to care for his Mother & he really hopes I will support him in that decision. HUH? WWWWHHHHHAAATTTTTT? I just sat there looking at him dumbfounded. I told him the very first thing he needs to do is see if he can get his mother diagnosed so they can see what the problem is and if she can be treated and if she even wants help. We want to Montana two winters in a row under the guise of getting her some help and were met with zero cooperation and roadblocked at every turn. So, I am thinking that a lot of details need to be looked at before he drags me back into hell.

I truly cannot imagine moving back to Montana, I really do not like it there one little tiny bit. Especially if I had to live next to his whole family, he has five brothers & sisters. WHO HATE ME. Ohmyword. Chad wants to move back to Montana so bad he can't stand it and it makes me weak in the knees and light headed, and not in a good way either, even contemplating the possibilities. Part of the reason I agreed to move here was to try and appease him and keep us out of Montana. It seems as though all I may have done is put off the inevitable. Meanwhile, I am living somewhere with a blizzard warning. Oh, I love, love, love my life.

Crazydruggiesister jumped bail and is now wanted for having a dirty drug test because she is using heroine. Yes, heroine. She couldn't just stay a simple meth user, or no, she had to upgrade to heroine. Good Lawd. It makes me so proud I can't stand it. I sit and shake my head in disgust and am worried sick about her all at the same time.

*sigh* And this, my dear blogging peeps, is why I am up at 3:15Am with heart burp. Heart burp you say? Yes, heart burp, it's a word we coined in my "family of origin" due to our ever increasing gastrointestinal distresses brought on by stress. Heart burp is kind of like acid indigestion or heart burn, but adds a special element of nausea and severe anxiety in just for fun. So far the Pepto people haven't came up with a special medication for heart burp, but I am waiting patiently.

On a thankful note; Thank you for all your words of wisdom about MY crazy mother. I appreciate every word of advice and took it all to heart! I sent her a email telling her to back off, basically, and that I am sick and tired of her double standards. We, she, has never addressed the email per say but has not made any more little sarcastic passive aggressive bitchy comments cloaked in concern either. So, we'll see. Hopefully the more I tell her to back off the more she will get the message and really back off.

So, that's all. Another installment of "Whose life is this anyway?!?!?"