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I have concluded, on my many a sleepless night, that I need a friend like me. A friend that will listen to my deep dark secrets, worries, and fears without getting completely wigged out. I need a friend who will text or email me even while she's on vacation just to check in to say hello. I need a friend who will call me just to chat. I need a friend who understands that although I LOVE and ADORE my kids there is more to me than just a Mommy.
I don't like to toot my own horn, but I AM a friend like this. And I am lonely. And I wish I had a friend like me. I watched Sex & the City Friday. Do you think people have girlfriends like that in real life? And if they do, where do they find such great bosom buddies who will fly off to Mexico with them when their fiance leaves them at the altar? And, if these girlfriends aren't a Urban myth, where can I find a Sex & the City girlfriend(s) of my very own?
I also seen Candace this weekend and she said that I need therapy. I don't need a friend, I need a therapist. Ouch. Although, to be fair, I did tell her I feel like I am inching closer and closer to a breakdown on the really bad days, that's probably why she thinks I need a therapist. Although I like to think I am part social worker/quasi therapist; Candace draws the line at anything remotely personal and I make her want to crawl out of her skin quite often. She doesn't even like to watch Dateline or Law & Order, because it all gives her a stomach ache. So, needless to say, with all my various issues I cause her a great degree of stomach discomfort, ulcers, and possibly a bad case of colitis.
I don't know. I fear my loneliness is quite complicated and multi-layered. Sort of like a 7-layer-bean dip, only not half as appetizing or as nice to look at.
Super Mommy and I are friends, but only at work. She can barely squeeze me in for lunch, and even when we do go to lunch we usually have her Mom and her 4-year-old son chaperoning our conversations lest we get too serious or too personal. Her real life is much to full and busy for the likes of me. She has enough needy little people in her life that she doesn't need a fat, depressed, 5'9 WHITE girlfriend tugging at her sleeve too. Frankly I afraid that I am the wrong race for Super Mommy and I to ever be really good friends. I fear she will never really let me in, because I'm "white" and she just doesn't enjoy or trust "white" people. *sigh*
I have Chad. And I love and adore him and he IS my best friend. But, I still yearn for a best girly friend.
So, how about you? Where did you meet your greatest friends? Do you think it's possible to have Sex & the city girlfriends in real life? Is your husband your best friend and is he enough?
Monday, September 29, 2008
Monday, September 15, 2008
broken
This made me cry. I don't know why. I mean, I know that my sister is a heroin addict and left rehab because of a dirty drug test, but still...feast your eyes on what I found on the Orange County website:
P, Tawnia
Warrant File Number: 03157109
Charge 1:
BATTERY-COHABITANT
Bail Amount:
$25,000.00
Warrant File Number: 03157108
Charge 1:
POSS OF PARAPHERNALIA
Bail Amount:
$25,000.00
Charge 1:
UNDER INFLUENCE OF DRUGS
Bail Amount:
$25,000.00
Warrant File Number: 03157106
Charge 1:
POSS OF PARAPHERNALIA
Charge 2:
POSS HYPO NEEDLE SYRINGE
Bail Amount:
$25,000.00
UGH...isn't that just sad? And this isn't what is supposed to happen in good families? Oh, I am mourning. I am mourning my little sister that I will never get back. And the fact that she'll probably die in a ditch somewhere. And it makes me cry. And I hate it.....she is broken and so am I.
I watched Oprah today and dealt with child pedophiles and that made me cry too. It hit a little too close to home. I had a very creepy Uncle Larry and it all just resonates with me a little too much. They are broken and so am I.
I inherited one wordly belonging from my Grandmother--a yellow mixing bowl that she used to make sourdough pancakes in when I was a kid and we would come for a visit. I don't like to use it because I am afraid it will break. Yesterday Chad made a batch of salsa and used my Grandma's bowl. Trent was unloading the dishwasher tonight and he accidentally dropped it and it shattered into a hundred pieces. Some big jagged pieces of glass that were very easy to spot lay on the old and cracked linoleum. There were little shards of glass that caught the soft light in the kitchen and the light danced from those pieces as it caught your eye just right. Then there were some tiny shards of glass that can easily get overlooked and hide from the brisles of the broom. But, when you step on them you know they are there---it feels like they are piercing through your foot, almost to the bone. The pain is instant and sometimes you can't even see what's causing the pain, you just know that the glass is in there, buried deep and unseen but so very painful none the less. Sometimes the wound will even bleed and you can dig and dig at your foot and yet you will not find the little tiny piece of glass that is causing so much pain. You know the glass is there, and you know it hurts like hell but you can't find it no matter how hard you look. So you wait for your foot to fester and hope that eventually your body will expel the foreign matter that has caused you so much pain. The bowl is broken and so am I.
And that, ladies and gents is what my day was like--tiny pieces of information that have pierced my heart to the center of my being. *sigh*
I must say however that although I wanted to cry and yell when I seen the bowl that broke, I did not. I knew it was just a accident and swallowed my tears and just made sure that the boys didn't step in the glass. I was also glad that the bowl died a good death, it made salsa and that would make my Grandmother very very happy. I may be broken but hopefully my sons won't be.
P, Tawnia
Warrant File Number: 03157109
Charge 1:
BATTERY-COHABITANT
Bail Amount:
$25,000.00
Warrant File Number: 03157108
Charge 1:
POSS OF PARAPHERNALIA
Bail Amount:
$25,000.00
Charge 1:
UNDER INFLUENCE OF DRUGS
Bail Amount:
$25,000.00
Warrant File Number: 03157106
Charge 1:
POSS OF PARAPHERNALIA
Charge 2:
POSS HYPO NEEDLE SYRINGE
Bail Amount:
$25,000.00
UGH...isn't that just sad? And this isn't what is supposed to happen in good families? Oh, I am mourning. I am mourning my little sister that I will never get back. And the fact that she'll probably die in a ditch somewhere. And it makes me cry. And I hate it.....she is broken and so am I.
I watched Oprah today and dealt with child pedophiles and that made me cry too. It hit a little too close to home. I had a very creepy Uncle Larry and it all just resonates with me a little too much. They are broken and so am I.
I inherited one wordly belonging from my Grandmother--a yellow mixing bowl that she used to make sourdough pancakes in when I was a kid and we would come for a visit. I don't like to use it because I am afraid it will break. Yesterday Chad made a batch of salsa and used my Grandma's bowl. Trent was unloading the dishwasher tonight and he accidentally dropped it and it shattered into a hundred pieces. Some big jagged pieces of glass that were very easy to spot lay on the old and cracked linoleum. There were little shards of glass that caught the soft light in the kitchen and the light danced from those pieces as it caught your eye just right. Then there were some tiny shards of glass that can easily get overlooked and hide from the brisles of the broom. But, when you step on them you know they are there---it feels like they are piercing through your foot, almost to the bone. The pain is instant and sometimes you can't even see what's causing the pain, you just know that the glass is in there, buried deep and unseen but so very painful none the less. Sometimes the wound will even bleed and you can dig and dig at your foot and yet you will not find the little tiny piece of glass that is causing so much pain. You know the glass is there, and you know it hurts like hell but you can't find it no matter how hard you look. So you wait for your foot to fester and hope that eventually your body will expel the foreign matter that has caused you so much pain. The bowl is broken and so am I.
And that, ladies and gents is what my day was like--tiny pieces of information that have pierced my heart to the center of my being. *sigh*
I must say however that although I wanted to cry and yell when I seen the bowl that broke, I did not. I knew it was just a accident and swallowed my tears and just made sure that the boys didn't step in the glass. I was also glad that the bowl died a good death, it made salsa and that would make my Grandmother very very happy. I may be broken but hopefully my sons won't be.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Just call me Grace
Anybody that knows me in real life knows I am not exactly graceful or a glider. Ya know, a glider, those women that look like they are just floating and can walk in 22 inch heals and still just kind of glide along. A glider. My 5'9 inches was completely wasted on me as I am a TOTAL klutz. With bones made of titanium apparently. Milk does a body good people!
At the clinic where I work they are completely revamping the parking lot because of all the slip and falls last winter, two of which were due to yours truly and my cat like reflexes. Everything is tore up and we have to walk quite a ways into work until the parking lot revamp is done. I had a glorious Monday morning before ever arriving to work--I ripped my pants on the way out the door and had to change them, Connor missed the bus so I had to drive him to school, and had a overall shitty morning when I finally made it to work. WHEW! I am here, I thought. I had places to go, work to be done, and people to impress. I was hustling down the sidewalk when the HEAD of the "company" comes up behind me and me being the social being that I am, turn to say hello. B-i-g mistake. I tripped, and fell FLAT on my face. I am talking splat, my bag flew one way, my sunglasses skidded down the dirt embankment, my yogurt rolled down the hill, I think some tampons rolled down ahead of the yogurt, and I was sprawled out in a most unflattering and compromising position. My huge head boss just kind of stood there and watched me pick myself up from the ground. Well, actually I couldn't quite get up so he attempted to help me. I got half way up and fell AGAIN! At this point cars are whizzing by and the main head of the nursing department came and helped me up too. I made it up this time and went tottering off to work with my pride dragging 100 feet behind me. I managed to bloody up my hand and completely tear my knee up but am fine other than that. It was humiliating, mortifying, and just plain embarrassing. I can't think about it without getting flustered and weak in the knees. And that doesn't help my Bambie-just-learning-to-walk-on-ice gait I must admit.
To help aliviate my public humilation I decided to put it out there for the whole Internet to read, because apparently misery loves company.
At the clinic where I work they are completely revamping the parking lot because of all the slip and falls last winter, two of which were due to yours truly and my cat like reflexes. Everything is tore up and we have to walk quite a ways into work until the parking lot revamp is done. I had a glorious Monday morning before ever arriving to work--I ripped my pants on the way out the door and had to change them, Connor missed the bus so I had to drive him to school, and had a overall shitty morning when I finally made it to work. WHEW! I am here, I thought. I had places to go, work to be done, and people to impress. I was hustling down the sidewalk when the HEAD of the "company" comes up behind me and me being the social being that I am, turn to say hello. B-i-g mistake. I tripped, and fell FLAT on my face. I am talking splat, my bag flew one way, my sunglasses skidded down the dirt embankment, my yogurt rolled down the hill, I think some tampons rolled down ahead of the yogurt, and I was sprawled out in a most unflattering and compromising position. My huge head boss just kind of stood there and watched me pick myself up from the ground. Well, actually I couldn't quite get up so he attempted to help me. I got half way up and fell AGAIN! At this point cars are whizzing by and the main head of the nursing department came and helped me up too. I made it up this time and went tottering off to work with my pride dragging 100 feet behind me. I managed to bloody up my hand and completely tear my knee up but am fine other than that. It was humiliating, mortifying, and just plain embarrassing. I can't think about it without getting flustered and weak in the knees. And that doesn't help my Bambie-just-learning-to-walk-on-ice gait I must admit.
To help aliviate my public humilation I decided to put it out there for the whole Internet to read, because apparently misery loves company.
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Holy Crap is it September already?!
Lord help me, I cannot believe it's September already and I haven't posted since the middle of August. Am I a bad blogger or what?
Mama's Losin' it is having a writing assignment over at her blog, but I don't feel like thinking that hard, although her writing prompts are VERY good. My brain just isn't working.
I was going to take pictures of the boys in the new hats they picked out this weekend at Cabala's, but then I remembered that I don't have a digital camera and I JUST now got pictures back that we took of the snow this last winter. *sigh* So, that's not gonna work. Suffice to say the hat's are so cute. Trent got a cameo baseball cap and Connor got a Brian Fellow's (of SNL parody fame) fishing hat. Cute, so very very cute. But, don't tell them I said that or they'll stop wearing them immediately.
The boys both started back to school on August 25th. So far it's going just fine. Trent thinks his teacher is very cool and Connor is doing well in 3rd grade despite skipping 2nd grade! That kid is scary smart. They have back to school teacher conferences ( I know!) already. So, I will be going to those very fun meetings this week and getting acquainted with their teachers. I also signed up for the PTA. Yes, I am going to be a PTA Mom. How scary is that?! I am going to see if I can get Super Mommy to go with me. Because, well, she's a Super Mommy and I'm not! Although, she is picking the kids up for me this week because they have minimum days--and guess what her house is NOT perfect! I have to admit that it did make me feel a little tiny bit better. Isn't that horrible? I am just mean I guess. She did have homemade chocolate chip cookies on the counter when I arrived so she's still a Super Mommy in my book!
Work is good. I have been working my reduced scheduled (I get off at 3 now) for the last 3 weeks and so far I am getting everything done. I am learning payroll and it's not too bad really. Brooke (I have to think up a pseudonym for her but I don't know her well enough yet) started working on Tuesday to replace Mace. She is VERY smart and quiet so I think she'll work out just fine.
Crazydruggiesister was in jail, then rehab, and now she's out of rehab (why they don't just send her back to jail I don't know) because she failed a piss test and is homeless once again. I worry about her so much when she's not locked up. We were writing letters when she was in jail and rehab and it makes my heart bleed for her. She is just not well and is so mentally ill and addicted to heroine. It's very very very sad. And worrisome. *sigh*
Annie wants to know about my Big Brother. Oh how I love thee. I was so very excited when both Ollie and Michelle got voted off! YIPPEE. I think Renny is going to get voted off this week, and that's a real bummer, I really hope that Dan wins! And then Big Brother will be over in a few weeks and Amazing Race will start!!!!! I heart my reality TV, I bet you can barely tell, huh?
And that's it for now. What's new with YOU?
Mama's Losin' it is having a writing assignment over at her blog, but I don't feel like thinking that hard, although her writing prompts are VERY good. My brain just isn't working.
I was going to take pictures of the boys in the new hats they picked out this weekend at Cabala's, but then I remembered that I don't have a digital camera and I JUST now got pictures back that we took of the snow this last winter. *sigh* So, that's not gonna work. Suffice to say the hat's are so cute. Trent got a cameo baseball cap and Connor got a Brian Fellow's (of SNL parody fame) fishing hat. Cute, so very very cute. But, don't tell them I said that or they'll stop wearing them immediately.
The boys both started back to school on August 25th. So far it's going just fine. Trent thinks his teacher is very cool and Connor is doing well in 3rd grade despite skipping 2nd grade! That kid is scary smart. They have back to school teacher conferences ( I know!) already. So, I will be going to those very fun meetings this week and getting acquainted with their teachers. I also signed up for the PTA. Yes, I am going to be a PTA Mom. How scary is that?! I am going to see if I can get Super Mommy to go with me. Because, well, she's a Super Mommy and I'm not! Although, she is picking the kids up for me this week because they have minimum days--and guess what her house is NOT perfect! I have to admit that it did make me feel a little tiny bit better. Isn't that horrible? I am just mean I guess. She did have homemade chocolate chip cookies on the counter when I arrived so she's still a Super Mommy in my book!
Work is good. I have been working my reduced scheduled (I get off at 3 now) for the last 3 weeks and so far I am getting everything done. I am learning payroll and it's not too bad really. Brooke (I have to think up a pseudonym for her but I don't know her well enough yet) started working on Tuesday to replace Mace. She is VERY smart and quiet so I think she'll work out just fine.
Crazydruggiesister was in jail, then rehab, and now she's out of rehab (why they don't just send her back to jail I don't know) because she failed a piss test and is homeless once again. I worry about her so much when she's not locked up. We were writing letters when she was in jail and rehab and it makes my heart bleed for her. She is just not well and is so mentally ill and addicted to heroine. It's very very very sad. And worrisome. *sigh*
Annie wants to know about my Big Brother. Oh how I love thee. I was so very excited when both Ollie and Michelle got voted off! YIPPEE. I think Renny is going to get voted off this week, and that's a real bummer, I really hope that Dan wins! And then Big Brother will be over in a few weeks and Amazing Race will start!!!!! I heart my reality TV, I bet you can barely tell, huh?
And that's it for now. What's new with YOU?
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