Monday, September 15, 2008

broken

This made me cry. I don't know why. I mean, I know that my sister is a heroin addict and left rehab because of a dirty drug test, but still...feast your eyes on what I found on the Orange County website:

P, Tawnia
Warrant File Number: 03157109
Charge 1:
BATTERY-COHABITANT
Bail Amount:
$25,000.00


Warrant File Number: 03157108
Charge 1:
POSS OF PARAPHERNALIA
Bail Amount:
$25,000.00

Charge 1:
UNDER INFLUENCE OF DRUGS
Bail Amount:
$25,000.00


Warrant File Number: 03157106
Charge 1:
POSS OF PARAPHERNALIA
Charge 2:
POSS HYPO NEEDLE SYRINGE
Bail Amount:
$25,000.00


UGH...isn't that just sad? And this isn't what is supposed to happen in good families? Oh, I am mourning. I am mourning my little sister that I will never get back. And the fact that she'll probably die in a ditch somewhere. And it makes me cry. And I hate it.....she is broken and so am I.

I watched Oprah today and dealt with child pedophiles and that made me cry too. It hit a little too close to home. I had a very creepy Uncle Larry and it all just resonates with me a little too much. They are broken and so am I.

I inherited one wordly belonging from my Grandmother--a yellow mixing bowl that she used to make sourdough pancakes in when I was a kid and we would come for a visit. I don't like to use it because I am afraid it will break. Yesterday Chad made a batch of salsa and used my Grandma's bowl. Trent was unloading the dishwasher tonight and he accidentally dropped it and it shattered into a hundred pieces. Some big jagged pieces of glass that were very easy to spot lay on the old and cracked linoleum. There were little shards of glass that caught the soft light in the kitchen and the light danced from those pieces as it caught your eye just right. Then there were some tiny shards of glass that can easily get overlooked and hide from the brisles of the broom. But, when you step on them you know they are there---it feels like they are piercing through your foot, almost to the bone. The pain is instant and sometimes you can't even see what's causing the pain, you just know that the glass is in there, buried deep and unseen but so very painful none the less. Sometimes the wound will even bleed and you can dig and dig at your foot and yet you will not find the little tiny piece of glass that is causing so much pain. You know the glass is there, and you know it hurts like hell but you can't find it no matter how hard you look. So you wait for your foot to fester and hope that eventually your body will expel the foreign matter that has caused you so much pain. The bowl is broken and so am I.

And that, ladies and gents is what my day was like--tiny pieces of information that have pierced my heart to the center of my being. *sigh*

I must say however that although I wanted to cry and yell when I seen the bowl that broke, I did not. I knew it was just a accident and swallowed my tears and just made sure that the boys didn't step in the glass. I was also glad that the bowl died a good death, it made salsa and that would make my Grandmother very very happy. I may be broken but hopefully my sons won't be.



6 comments:

Molly said...

You can talk to us any time, you know that. I wish I could do more, I feel so bad for you. It just shows what a caring person you are, thinking of your sister when you know that she will never change. And people who hurt and abuse children is enough to make anyone cry, so I would have been right there with you!

Pollyanna said...

thank you Molly!

Kristin said...

I'm sorry - about the bowl, your creepy Uncle and your sister... sometimes, life can throw a little too much at us at once and I am proud of you... you are not broken, just a little chipped like the rest of us.

xx.

Molly said...

That is so sad about the bowl, I know how you feel but I think it was awesome not to shout at the kids. I broke things accidentally when I was a kid and my mom would freak on me.

Mama's Losin' It said...

Noooooooooo!!!! Oh I am so sorry. What a horrible time. Just everything. I couldn't imagine watching one of my siblings in a downward spiral like that and not being able to do anything to help her. And then the BOWL. I wish I could put the pieces back together for you. I would feel broken too.

Ann(ie) said...

OH sweetheart. I'm so sorry you're going thru all of this. It's hard to fight back the tears and anger when you're breaking inside. But, I applaud you for doing it ... deep breaths, sugar. We love you. I think we need a bloggy retreat to Vegas. When I accrue some vacation time again I'm meeting you there and G&T's are on me. xoxo.