Sunday, October 09, 2011

Aging

I stare in the mirror and I don't like what I see. The wrinkles around my mouth tell me I am getting older. I didn't ever think I was a vain person, but these wrinkles are telling me otherwise.  I think I have "laugh lines". That's good, right?  I would rather have laugh lines than frown lines I suppose.


I was watching "Best of the 00's" on VH1 last night. I had not even HEARD some of the songs on that list. That must mean I have been listening to the Adult Contemporary stations. Nor had I had heard of half of the actors or comedians who were commenting on the songs. That's not good, right?


I have always had a old soul.  I didn't want to have a old face too. 



Wednesday, October 05, 2011

Again

I feel as though I have a huge lump in my throat. You know the kind where all the unshed tears sit, damned up awaiting release. However, I am trying hard to just keep it together—be strong, stoic and emotionless. I am afraid if somebody looks at me cross-eyed I will either start sobbing or screaming. Which is better? Angry is certainly more socially acceptable than crying—to a very fragile and complex degree.
People in my life are constantly disappointing me. I can see the common denominator is moi. Here is what is happening in my brain right now this second…. In no particular order:

I cannot believe that my Mom tried to kill herself again. Again. I am glad she is at the hospital. I am full of fear that she will not receive the help she needs. What kind of help does she need? RX Drug detox, pain relief, mental health, crisis intervention?—the list is long and I don’t know what drove her over the edge. This time. I feel so very guilty. I am heavy with guilt. I knew she wasn’t doing well, but I thought she was just being annoying and negative. I didn’t want to acknowledge that she had got to the point of a nervous breakdown. Again. I am terrified if she dies I will become a orphan. I am terrified of being a orphan. I am 41-years-old and still need my mother.

I am so angry at my father that I could literally kick the shit out of him. He has started smoking massive amounts of pot. Again. Just like when I was a kid. Pot stole my childhood, my innocence, my ability to believe there are kind and beautiful people out in the world. I have worked so hard as an adult at forgiving him for his past indiscretions, at trying to meet him where is he today and not where he was back then. And he has betrayed me. Again. He’s back to smoking pot. Again. I am disappointed, frustrated, but mostly I am just angry. I have anger bubbling up from my behind my eyes, under my skin, and through my tear ducts.

My sisters annoy the holy living shit out of me. Again. Rinse and repeat. Tawnia can’t help that she is so mentally ill. However, I have a hard time accepting that she can’t control her meth use or her abuse of alcohol. I grieve for her as I know that she is barely holding on by a thread. Her sane days are few and far between. I tried so hard to fix what was broken in her soul, to stand up and scream and get someone to notice she needed help. Again. And yet here I am. Again. And she’s somewhere between here and there. Again.

Sarah is just nothing but a controlling, psycho, jealous, angry, spiteful, spoiled selfish woman. Even though she is my sister I can stand her. I can’t tolerate the sound of her voice, her facial expressions, her manner of speaking, her neediness, her ability to always get her way no matter the circumstance, her cold heart, her need to always be in charge. Am I not a horrible awful person? I have tried so hard with her. She is like me, I am afraid, absolutely unable to satisfy or appease. I do not have the energy or the desire to detail her latest shenanigans. I am quite decisive in the fact that she annoys the holy living crap out of me, and that she is herself quite unstable. I grieve I will never have a sister like the ones you see plaques about, you know the ones “I didn’t choose you as a sister, but I choose you as my best friend….” I don’t even have a sister that I have a polite relationship with.

My dear friend, whom I adore, has stopped speaking to me. She and I are complete and total polar opposites. She is tough, steady, strong, sturdy, and unflappable. It is very hard to not take her silence personally. I fear I have exhausted her beyond reason. She has texted me that she is going through difficulties that she doesn’t want to discuss nor have a conversation with me with me to even exchange pleasantries. I am trying so hard to give her the space she has demanded. But, I feel lonely, sad, pathetic, and betrayed by her. I miss her friendship and her texts. Ultimately I know that it, probably, has nothing to do with me, but it still hurts like hell. How do I recover from a wound that hit this close to my heart? How?

And now I am just left feeling broken. Alone. Abandoned. Sad. And grieving. Again.


Sunday, June 05, 2011

It is what it is

I am here! I am here. How are you? What is new?!

Well, crazydruggiesister is in jail in Orange County. They are only keeping her until June 21st. Not nearly long enough. Such a very long story how she ended up there....she is no longer here and can never come back to our house to live. It is what it is...

I have already mourned the loss and am trying to move on. Her crazy ass cat is still here so I love on Punky, and imagine somehow that crazydruggiesister is getting the love.

My family is still my family. Alas. I think I have mourned them too and the relationship we will never have.

We are buying a tent trailer! I know that's a weird segue from talking about my family, but it's all I got. We are very excited about the tent trailer as it will make going on trips with the kids much more affordable. I have said that my idea of roughing it will be a campground with showers and flush toilets. I will NOT do the outhouse bit. No way, no how, not gonna do it! We are planning a trip to Seattle area in August. I am over the moon, for real! I LOVE Seattle and having a chance to go back for a week makes me happy happy happy!

Chad is still not doing well physically. He had MRSA after his sinus surgery and took forever to get better. His sinus is still not feeling quite right. I am demanding he get a 2nd opinion before he lets that stupid doctor touch him again. You got 2 good shots at his sinus Doc, and I am so not impressed!

Other than that, life goes on. I so WANT to be writing and writing thought provoking, eye popping, mind blowing material. My head does not seem to be in same frame of mind as me. I can barely write a coherent sentence, as is evidenced by the drivel contained herein. I read a blog (love you Mama Kat) that a has a HUGE following and she has writing prompts every week. I always think I am going to write. I am going to use that prompt and hit one out of the park. Thursday comes and goes and here I am. Writing inconsequential words noone will ever read. It is what it is.

I will bid you adieu. For now. Maybe this will be my week.


Monday, April 11, 2011

D-i-v-o-r-c-e

I have neglected this blog for so long that I have no illusions that anybody will read it. Well, except for my dear dark horse Bama Ann. I am going to just view this space as a personal journal of sorts for me.

The situation with crazydruggiesister has deteriorated so badly that she simply canNOT live here anymore. I have kicked her out. But, she's still here. My Dad came up last night and strong armed us into letting her stay until at least the end of the semester. How he managed that I do NOT know. My Dad came and got her for the weekend, so that "us girls" could get some space from each other and stop fighting. *eye roll*

We, as in Chad & I, have the strangest relationship with my family. Even though we moved 3 hours away they still seem to be able to control us. It's sick & dysfunctional to the utmost extreme and I don't know how to make it stop. Every-time I have interaction with any of them I end up in tears, the kids are hiding in my room, and Chad is pissed off and doing the side face. Chad is the nicest guy EVER and has a very hard time showing emotion. When he's pissed he always does what I call the "side face". When the side face comes out I know that he is mad mad mad & it's not good.

Last night to further add to the drama crazydruggiesister told me that the whole family had a long talk about me (which I totally knew was coming when my Dad came and got her for the weekend), and decided the REAL issue is my weight. Yes, I am fat. Quite fat actually, have been for years & years. The family hates it and is ashamed of my and my fatness. My other sister recently lost 100+ lbs and has taken up long distance running. At this point she could commit capital murder and they won't care, cuz at least she would look cute in her size 10 jeans when she did it. My Mother lost 50 lbs a few years ago, and my Dad thinks every man wants to sleep with her now. EWWWW.

But, I digress. Crazydruggiesister confirmed that the whole family DID discuss me and my fat ass. And the fact that the reason crazydruggiesister & I can't get along is because I am fat, moody, unsocial, have no friends, am completely worthless, and in their opinion I can't even walk. But the utmost issue is my fat. Nothing to do with her outrageous behavior, her inability to handle the smallest task without my help, or the fact that she's a fucking drug addict. NO, it has to do with the fact that I am fat. My Dad totally agreed with her. Then they gave me some low calorie jelly beans as a consolation prize. I cried and cried.

I keep telling my friend, Laura, that this a study in me. This is how I got to be who I am. How I got to be this fucked up, needy, adult with self worth/self esteem issues, and abandonment issues. She doesn't get it. Who could, really?

And so here I sit. In a mess. Chad is having surgery next Tuesday, it's supposed to be a fairly small sinus surgery that will only last for 20 minutes, and I have noone to come sit with me or stay with the boys. Chad absolutely refuses to ask my family for help, so we are just going to take the boys with us to the hospital. They are 10 & 13, so at least they are not toddlers. And they are on spring break next week, so they won't have to miss school. All and all it's manageable. Just sad. And very heartbreaking.

I don't know. I think I am going to divorce my family. All of them. What do you think?

Peace,

Pollyanna

Thursday, April 07, 2011

This is for you Bama Ann

Dear Bama Ann,

Hello. In regards to your very nice inquiry....yes I AM going to blog again. I think about it daily, well, maybe not DAILY but at least monthly. I don't seem to have the energy to do much but exist. Coupled with the fact that I can't seem to get near my computer due to Trent, Connor, or Chad blogging has fallen to the wayside. *sigh*

Here is a recap of my life:

Crazydruggiesister and her effin boyfriend have been living here in my house with me, Chad, and the boys for the last 6 MONTHS. I really don't know quite how it happened actually. She came up to be with Kendra, who had a baby in October, and my Dad brought her and effin boyfriend up and they just haven't left. I must say that my patience is wearing rather thin and she & I have been fighting non stop for about the last 3 weeks. I told her today that she HAS to move out. I can't take it anymore. She just pretends she doesn't hear me or that she doesn't understand. More to come on this every evolving drama I am sure!

I am trying to fight the guilt. My ever present guilt. I should be Jewish for all the guilt that I carry around.....

After long and careful consideration I decided to stop practicing the religion I have been a part of for my entire life. It was a long time in coming. It has been a series of adjustments, and most days I think I made the right decision. Chad agreed with me and has made the same decision as I. This is a MAJOR change in our life. I spent all of Christmas bawling hysterically if that gives you any indication of how it's been. I can't really explain it without spelling the whole thing out, and well....

I am still in the process of figuring out WHAT I believe now. I am lost when it comes to faith and whom I am. My religion has defined me for my whole life, so not to have it causes a major identity crisis as one can imagine. Perhaps it will just take time?

I am no longer working with DragonLady. HURRAH! I still work for the same organization, but not for HER in HER department. I have been at my new job for almost 6 months. It is, without a doubt, the best thing I ever did for myself. I have my own office~with a door. Glory be!

Chad is facing some serious health problems again. It is beyond scary, and nearly paralyzes me with fear. I am going with him to the Doctor on Monday where he is having a CT scan of his sinus's, and then a follow up with his Doc after that.

I was diagnosed with fibromalygia a few years ago. Most days I am okay, but mainly I am debilitated with major fatigue. Working full time, trying to be a half way decent Mother and wife, and dealing with crazydruggiesister and her effin boyfriend completely sucks my life of ambition and energy.

With this lackluster attempt at updating this sad and pathetic blog I will sign off. For now. I will attempt to come back and update this blog tomorrow. Well,maybe not tomorrow. Maybe next week! Okay, maybe next month?

Bama Ann, thank you for your comment. And please let me know how you are???

Love,
Pollyanna