D-i-v-o-r-c-e

I have neglected this blog for so long that I have no illusions that anybody will read it. Well, except for my dear dark horse Bama Ann. I am going to just view this space as a personal journal of sorts for me.

The situation with crazydruggiesister has deteriorated so badly that she simply canNOT live here anymore. I have kicked her out. But, she's still here. My Dad came up last night and strong armed us into letting her stay until at least the end of the semester. How he managed that I do NOT know. My Dad came and got her for the weekend, so that "us girls" could get some space from each other and stop fighting. *eye roll*

We, as in Chad & I, have the strangest relationship with my family. Even though we moved 3 hours away they still seem to be able to control us. It's sick & dysfunctional to the utmost extreme and I don't know how to make it stop. Every-time I have interaction with any of them I end up in tears, the kids are hiding in my room, and Chad is pissed off and doing the side face. Chad is the nicest guy EVER and has a very hard time showing emotion. When he's pissed he always does what I call the "side face". When the side face comes out I know that he is mad mad mad & it's not good.

Last night to further add to the drama crazydruggiesister told me that the whole family had a long talk about me (which I totally knew was coming when my Dad came and got her for the weekend), and decided the REAL issue is my weight. Yes, I am fat. Quite fat actually, have been for years & years. The family hates it and is ashamed of my and my fatness. My other sister recently lost 100+ lbs and has taken up long distance running. At this point she could commit capital murder and they won't care, cuz at least she would look cute in her size 10 jeans when she did it. My Mother lost 50 lbs a few years ago, and my Dad thinks every man wants to sleep with her now. EWWWW.

But, I digress. Crazydruggiesister confirmed that the whole family DID discuss me and my fat ass. And the fact that the reason crazydruggiesister & I can't get along is because I am fat, moody, unsocial, have no friends, am completely worthless, and in their opinion I can't even walk. But the utmost issue is my fat. Nothing to do with her outrageous behavior, her inability to handle the smallest task without my help, or the fact that she's a fucking drug addict. NO, it has to do with the fact that I am fat. My Dad totally agreed with her. Then they gave me some low calorie jelly beans as a consolation prize. I cried and cried.

I keep telling my friend, Laura, that this a study in me. This is how I got to be who I am. How I got to be this fucked up, needy, adult with self worth/self esteem issues, and abandonment issues. She doesn't get it. Who could, really?

And so here I sit. In a mess. Chad is having surgery next Tuesday, it's supposed to be a fairly small sinus surgery that will only last for 20 minutes, and I have noone to come sit with me or stay with the boys. Chad absolutely refuses to ask my family for help, so we are just going to take the boys with us to the hospital. They are 10 & 13, so at least they are not toddlers. And they are on spring break next week, so they won't have to miss school. All and all it's manageable. Just sad. And very heartbreaking.

I don't know. I think I am going to divorce my family. All of them. What do you think?

Peace,

Pollyanna

This is for you Bama Ann

Dear Bama Ann,

Hello. In regards to your very nice inquiry....yes I AM going to blog again. I think about it daily, well, maybe not DAILY but at least monthly. I don't seem to have the energy to do much but exist. Coupled with the fact that I can't seem to get near my computer due to Trent, Connor, or Chad blogging has fallen to the wayside. *sigh*

Here is a recap of my life:

Crazydruggiesister and her effin boyfriend have been living here in my house with me, Chad, and the boys for the last 6 MONTHS. I really don't know quite how it happened actually. She came up to be with Kendra, who had a baby in October, and my Dad brought her and effin boyfriend up and they just haven't left. I must say that my patience is wearing rather thin and she & I have been fighting non stop for about the last 3 weeks. I told her today that she HAS to move out. I can't take it anymore. She just pretends she doesn't hear me or that she doesn't understand. More to come on this every evolving drama I am sure!

I am trying to fight the guilt. My ever present guilt. I should be Jewish for all the guilt that I carry around.....

After long and careful consideration I decided to stop practicing the religion I have been a part of for my entire life. It was a long time in coming. It has been a series of adjustments, and most days I think I made the right decision. Chad agreed with me and has made the same decision as I. This is a MAJOR change in our life. I spent all of Christmas bawling hysterically if that gives you any indication of how it's been. I can't really explain it without spelling the whole thing out, and well....

I am still in the process of figuring out WHAT I believe now. I am lost when it comes to faith and whom I am. My religion has defined me for my whole life, so not to have it causes a major identity crisis as one can imagine. Perhaps it will just take time?

I am no longer working with DragonLady. HURRAH! I still work for the same organization, but not for HER in HER department. I have been at my new job for almost 6 months. It is, without a doubt, the best thing I ever did for myself. I have my own office~with a door. Glory be!

Chad is facing some serious health problems again. It is beyond scary, and nearly paralyzes me with fear. I am going with him to the Doctor on Monday where he is having a CT scan of his sinus's, and then a follow up with his Doc after that.

I was diagnosed with fibromalygia a few years ago. Most days I am okay, but mainly I am debilitated with major fatigue. Working full time, trying to be a half way decent Mother and wife, and dealing with crazydruggiesister and her effin boyfriend completely sucks my life of ambition and energy.

With this lackluster attempt at updating this sad and pathetic blog I will sign off. For now. I will attempt to come back and update this blog tomorrow. Well,maybe not tomorrow. Maybe next week! Okay, maybe next month?

Bama Ann, thank you for your comment. And please let me know how you are???

Love,
Pollyanna