D-i-v-o-r-c-e

I have neglected this blog for so long that I have no illusions that anybody will read it. Well, except for my dear dark horse Bama Ann. I am going to just view this space as a personal journal of sorts for me.

The situation with crazydruggiesister has deteriorated so badly that she simply canNOT live here anymore. I have kicked her out. But, she's still here. My Dad came up last night and strong armed us into letting her stay until at least the end of the semester. How he managed that I do NOT know. My Dad came and got her for the weekend, so that "us girls" could get some space from each other and stop fighting. *eye roll*

We, as in Chad & I, have the strangest relationship with my family. Even though we moved 3 hours away they still seem to be able to control us. It's sick & dysfunctional to the utmost extreme and I don't know how to make it stop. Every-time I have interaction with any of them I end up in tears, the kids are hiding in my room, and Chad is pissed off and doing the side face. Chad is the nicest guy EVER and has a very hard time showing emotion. When he's pissed he always does what I call the "side face". When the side face comes out I know that he is mad mad mad & it's not good.

Last night to further add to the drama crazydruggiesister told me that the whole family had a long talk about me (which I totally knew was coming when my Dad came and got her for the weekend), and decided the REAL issue is my weight. Yes, I am fat. Quite fat actually, have been for years & years. The family hates it and is ashamed of my and my fatness. My other sister recently lost 100+ lbs and has taken up long distance running. At this point she could commit capital murder and they won't care, cuz at least she would look cute in her size 10 jeans when she did it. My Mother lost 50 lbs a few years ago, and my Dad thinks every man wants to sleep with her now. EWWWW.

But, I digress. Crazydruggiesister confirmed that the whole family DID discuss me and my fat ass. And the fact that the reason crazydruggiesister & I can't get along is because I am fat, moody, unsocial, have no friends, am completely worthless, and in their opinion I can't even walk. But the utmost issue is my fat. Nothing to do with her outrageous behavior, her inability to handle the smallest task without my help, or the fact that she's a fucking drug addict. NO, it has to do with the fact that I am fat. My Dad totally agreed with her. Then they gave me some low calorie jelly beans as a consolation prize. I cried and cried.

I keep telling my friend, Laura, that this a study in me. This is how I got to be who I am. How I got to be this fucked up, needy, adult with self worth/self esteem issues, and abandonment issues. She doesn't get it. Who could, really?

And so here I sit. In a mess. Chad is having surgery next Tuesday, it's supposed to be a fairly small sinus surgery that will only last for 20 minutes, and I have noone to come sit with me or stay with the boys. Chad absolutely refuses to ask my family for help, so we are just going to take the boys with us to the hospital. They are 10 & 13, so at least they are not toddlers. And they are on spring break next week, so they won't have to miss school. All and all it's manageable. Just sad. And very heartbreaking.

I don't know. I think I am going to divorce my family. All of them. What do you think?

Peace,

Pollyanna