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I have made no secret that I have me some crazy assed anxiety. Big time anxiety. I take Zoloft for said affliction. I am thinking that my wonder drug is failing me. The pharmacy switched me to generic Zoloft and I think maybe it's not working. My anxiety is off the charts. I am having problems sleeping, well I never sleep well, but now I am waking up in the middle of the night feeling like I am suffocating. It is NOT good. Which means I should probably go to the Doctor and see about getting my RX either changed or upped. The thought of going to the Doctor causes me even more major anxiety. *sigh* Now that I have insurance I could go to a regular doctor instead of seeing that battle ax out at the college health center. However, the thought of going to a new doctor and getting THE lecture about my weight makes me want to go and throw myself down a rabbit hole somewhere. I wonder if it would turn a new doctor off if I walked in, shook their hand, and and said, "Look, I know I am fat. You know I am fat. I know it's horrible for me. I have tried everything. I cannot lose weight. I recently GAINED two pounds when I had the stomach flu, how screwed up is that?!?!? Please do not give me your lecture. Please just give me some good anxiety medication because I am about to jump right out of my own skin. And please, for the love of God, do NOT check my blood pressure, because I can tell you without fail that it will be in stroke range right now. I am THAT nervous". I don't know...I am thinking that would put off a new doctor, what do you think?
I would love to see an endocrinologist, I think there is a good chance I have Cushing syndrome, however, again, the thought of going to a new doctor and trying to convince them I need all this testing makes me tired and anxiety ridden. Gawd, being fat is rather complicated, I tell you.
And on to more anxiety news. Chad and the boys are going to Tahoe for a few days. I can't go because I have to work and because I have a final on Wednesday. They are going to be gone Monday till Thursday. My FIL has a time share and the days needed to be used by the end of the year, so they get to stay at a swanky resort. I am really sad I am going to miss it, I have always wanted to go to Tahoe in the winter. I am very excited to be home by myself though. I love being home home alone, I am planning on staying up all night on Tuesday and watching chick flicks, have you seen any good ones lately? However, I am petrified that Chad and the boys are going to die in a car wreck and I will be by myself for the rest of my life. It is more than just a passing worry, I am actually truly convinced they are going to die in a car wreck. *sigh* I am a MESS. I know I am mess and yet I am still worried they are going to die. Good Lawd. When I was 16 I had a boyfriend die in a car accident and I think it has truly scarred me. I am always convinced that somebody I love is going to die in a car accident. A mess, I tell you, a mess.
Do you have irrational fears that you know are irrational, yet you can't make them go away? Please talk amongst yourselves and share.....meanwhile I am going to go and breath in a paper bag and make sure that all 3 of my boys have emergency numbers written in their underwear with Sharpie on the waisband....
7 comments:
Worrying is something I do on a regular basis and usually for no particular reason, so you are not alone. I take Lexapro as I have depression too. I totally get the worrying about your partner being killed in a car wreck, I used to imagine that all the time about my ex husband (when we were still married) and don't know why I put myself through it all the time.
Anyway, I think going to see a new doctor might be a positive thing and even if he/she does bring up your weight, acknowledge what they say and listen. That's my thoughts anyway, for what they are worth!
Your partner is coming to my neck of the woods, I live just by Lake Tahoe and it is lovely here, although there isn't tons of snow right now. Just enjoy your time by yourself and even though this is not a new film, if you haven't seen 13 Going On 30, I totally recommend it, it is a great chick flick.
Phew, this is a long post, sorry!!! Enjoy your week.
I've worried about my son dying or my husband dying. I guess the more you love someone the more you have to lose so even thinking about the possibility of that can cause anxiety.
But your anxiety sounds pretty bad and I hope you will get to the regular doctor AND to the endocrinologist. If the doctors start giving you grief about your weight, just do what you said and tell them where to stick it. Right now, your priority is on getting rid of these anxious feelings. Do you have someone (your husband or a good friend) who is assertive and supportive of you and who could go with you to the doctor? Sometimes it helps to have someone advocate on your behalf at the doctor's office - especially, with doctors who can be pushy.
But please do go. I want you to be well!
Oh darlin'. It happens to all of us. ALL of us. Anxiety comes and goes. I started a new blog with regard to depressive disorders just to be able to make sense out of what is going on in my world. Journaling/blogging does help. Keep doing it.
CP.
Well, Jodi you know I'm an obessive freak-- I'm with you on all of this. Dear me, last week i was convinced my husband was going to meet his maker on his way to work.
This week I am stressed about finals (yes I did every snippit of extra credit available) You know me. The house is a stress magnet. the good news is I'm going on vacation this weekend-- by myself!!!!!
Well enjoy your time alone-- and don't worry your boys will come home.
You sound like my sister. Her (and my) older brother died when she was a teenager (and I was an infant) and that scarred her. Anytime she knows that I am driving home from anywhere, she wants me to call her when I get home, or she will worry all night long and maybe call my cell phone, and call my house and leave messages.
Anyway, get your meds changed and feel better, then deal with the weight problem. Check your blood sugar.
I go tomorrow to my research appointment, so I will post if I lost weight again.
Oh, also on movies, don't watch Click, it will make you cry, it made me cry. But the 40 year old virgin was hillarious!!
Or, sometimes it's good to cry, so do what you want. Maybe watch both?
I can totally relate! I'm terrified that someone I love or myself will die in a car crash or something bad is going to happen. I live my life waiting for the other shoe to drop. My sis is the same way. We think it's because we didn't feel safe and protected in our childhood. Our mom is crazy and our home was so chaotic and unpredictable. It's such a crappy feeling. I do a lot of self talk to cope.
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