Posts
Okay, first of all, thanks to everyone for their thoughts on our move. I really appreciate every one's help and advice! No new news yet. Still waiting. Also, I am having keyboard issues, I have keys sticking. So if spellcheck misses a mistake and this sounds like a 5-year-old with a lisp wrote this post, know it's my keyboard that is having language issues and NOT me, okay?
Alright, so my Grandma is VERY sick. As in being in ICU, heart-not- pumping-hard-enough-to-remove-fluid kind of sick. I, as do everyone in my family, have a very complicated relationship with my Grandma. HERE is a small snippet of what I am referring too. Grandma D is my paternal Grandma. My Mom and Dad have lived with her for about the last 3 years. My Mom took care of my Grandpa, her abusive-father-in-law and Grandma's husband, as he lay dieing a little over a year ago. It looks like Mom will be saddled with caring for my Grandma as she lays dieing as well. My Dad and his three sisters are definitely products of their childhood and can be cold as ice at times and don't cope well at ALL. So, it's always up to my Mom. But, that's not what this post is about. It's about guilt, remorse, and longing for something you will never have, nobody how long you or others live.
For most of my life (see picture above of me at 3, with Grandma and T) that I can recall I have lived close to my Grandma. Blocks away really. She has never been a "nice" Grandma who gave you candy and money. She is the kind of Grandma who gives you lectures about your weight, she is truly a 85-year-old anorexic, she in never happy in what she receives. She is all about appearances and how things look or what she can gain out of a situation, she would sell you down the river for a buck. My Grandpa was NOT a nice man. He molested all my aunts, beat my Grandma, and according to some accounts molested his granddaughters. Whether it be for self protection or what, I don't know, but Grandma has been accused of knowing what he was up to all those years ago and never ever did anything about it. T, crazydurggie sister, sometimes calls my Mom, well actually it's one of her "girls" that is young will phone, and before she will talk to my Mom will ask if "Mrs. D" is there, that's what she calls her, not Grandma, not R, but Mrs D. When my Mom will answer NO, T will reply, "Good, because I won't talk if Mrs. D is there. We don't like her. She makes little girls keep her secrets". Whether or not it's true, I don't know, I have no memories of any abuse, but I don't remember a lot, so my memories are faulty as best. I KNOW I was molested by someone but whether it was my Grandpa, my creepy Uncle Larry, or someone other boggy man, I don't know.
But, that's not what this post about either. It's about my love/hate relationship with my Grandma. Who is now dieing. I know I love her and she has had a huge part of my life, and I know I never want to be anything like her. I have looked a bit like her for my whole life, and the biggest slap my Mom could ever give me as child is to say, "you are acting just like Grandma D!". Those there were fighting words, nobody wants to be compared to her that way. Ever. That being said my love for my Grandma has grown over these last three years. Since my Mom has lived there my kids are are at Grandma's a lot. And the relationship my Grandma has been able to have with my kids, espewcially since my Grandpa has died, has warmed my heart. She has been such a better great-grandma to them than she was ever a grandma to me. She even buys them presents, which she hardly ever did in my childhood. And it makes me so happy that they can have such a better relationship with her than I ever had. And in some odd ways my relationship has been healed with her through my children. My Mom said it is truly amazing that I have managed not to let the boy's relationship with Grandma be tainted by my own flawed relationship with her. I think it's because despite everything, I really do love my Grandma and she has had a huge impact on my childhood and adult life.
Now, my grandma is maybe dieing. We may be moving. My Dad has offered Chad a deal with our house. The deal is VERY fair and would work out well for all parties concerned. And would mean a whole lot less stress for me if we do move, and that's a vewry vewry good thing. The only hitch in the get-up would be that my Grandma has to die for it all to work. And her timing would have to be quite soon, relatively speaking. So as much as I want everything to work out, every time I think about our plan, I know my grandma has to die first for it to work. Then I feel such profound guilt, you don't even know. Intellectually I know I am I not such a powerful person that I could actually wish my Grandma dead. But in my heart whenever I think of our plans I feel huge enormous waves of guilt when I hope everything will work out. And I feel like a selfish cow for hoping it all goes my way. And I think about how sad and empty it will feel when she is gone for good and how sad I really will feel. Immediately following that realization is that I feel oh so very conflicted. *sigh*
And I know that even if my Grandma lives for another 10 years she will never be a nice, gentle, or kind person and that too brings one sadness and a profound sense of grief. I also worry that maybe I really am like her more than I would ever admit out loud, and that sends shivers up my spine. As I said, life is complicated at best.
Alright, so my Grandma is VERY sick. As in being in ICU, heart-not- pumping-hard-enough-to-remove-fluid kind of sick. I, as do everyone in my family, have a very complicated relationship with my Grandma. HERE is a small snippet of what I am referring too. Grandma D is my paternal Grandma. My Mom and Dad have lived with her for about the last 3 years. My Mom took care of my Grandpa, her abusive-father-in-law and Grandma's husband, as he lay dieing a little over a year ago. It looks like Mom will be saddled with caring for my Grandma as she lays dieing as well. My Dad and his three sisters are definitely products of their childhood and can be cold as ice at times and don't cope well at ALL. So, it's always up to my Mom. But, that's not what this post is about. It's about guilt, remorse, and longing for something you will never have, nobody how long you or others live.
For most of my life (see picture above of me at 3, with Grandma and T) that I can recall I have lived close to my Grandma. Blocks away really. She has never been a "nice" Grandma who gave you candy and money. She is the kind of Grandma who gives you lectures about your weight, she is truly a 85-year-old anorexic, she in never happy in what she receives. She is all about appearances and how things look or what she can gain out of a situation, she would sell you down the river for a buck. My Grandpa was NOT a nice man. He molested all my aunts, beat my Grandma, and according to some accounts molested his granddaughters. Whether it be for self protection or what, I don't know, but Grandma has been accused of knowing what he was up to all those years ago and never ever did anything about it. T, crazydurggie sister, sometimes calls my Mom, well actually it's one of her "girls" that is young will phone, and before she will talk to my Mom will ask if "Mrs. D" is there, that's what she calls her, not Grandma, not R, but Mrs D. When my Mom will answer NO, T will reply, "Good, because I won't talk if Mrs. D is there. We don't like her. She makes little girls keep her secrets". Whether or not it's true, I don't know, I have no memories of any abuse, but I don't remember a lot, so my memories are faulty as best. I KNOW I was molested by someone but whether it was my Grandpa, my creepy Uncle Larry, or someone other boggy man, I don't know.
But, that's not what this post about either. It's about my love/hate relationship with my Grandma. Who is now dieing. I know I love her and she has had a huge part of my life, and I know I never want to be anything like her. I have looked a bit like her for my whole life, and the biggest slap my Mom could ever give me as child is to say, "you are acting just like Grandma D!". Those there were fighting words, nobody wants to be compared to her that way. Ever. That being said my love for my Grandma has grown over these last three years. Since my Mom has lived there my kids are are at Grandma's a lot. And the relationship my Grandma has been able to have with my kids, espewcially since my Grandpa has died, has warmed my heart. She has been such a better great-grandma to them than she was ever a grandma to me. She even buys them presents, which she hardly ever did in my childhood. And it makes me so happy that they can have such a better relationship with her than I ever had. And in some odd ways my relationship has been healed with her through my children. My Mom said it is truly amazing that I have managed not to let the boy's relationship with Grandma be tainted by my own flawed relationship with her. I think it's because despite everything, I really do love my Grandma and she has had a huge impact on my childhood and adult life.
Now, my grandma is maybe dieing. We may be moving. My Dad has offered Chad a deal with our house. The deal is VERY fair and would work out well for all parties concerned. And would mean a whole lot less stress for me if we do move, and that's a vewry vewry good thing. The only hitch in the get-up would be that my Grandma has to die for it all to work. And her timing would have to be quite soon, relatively speaking. So as much as I want everything to work out, every time I think about our plan, I know my grandma has to die first for it to work. Then I feel such profound guilt, you don't even know. Intellectually I know I am I not such a powerful person that I could actually wish my Grandma dead. But in my heart whenever I think of our plans I feel huge enormous waves of guilt when I hope everything will work out. And I feel like a selfish cow for hoping it all goes my way. And I think about how sad and empty it will feel when she is gone for good and how sad I really will feel. Immediately following that realization is that I feel oh so very conflicted. *sigh*
And I know that even if my Grandma lives for another 10 years she will never be a nice, gentle, or kind person and that too brings one sadness and a profound sense of grief. I also worry that maybe I really am like her more than I would ever admit out loud, and that sends shivers up my spine. As I said, life is complicated at best.
6 comments:
I had a mean Grandma too... in fact, the older she got, the meaner she got and once my grandpa died, I never saw her again.
Sad, but self preservation was a pretty big motivator.
I won't say I hope your Grandma dies soon because I am pretty sure karma would kick my ass for such a comment, but I will say that I hope things work out for you in the best possible of ways.
Why are there never any grandparents who are like the ones in story books? My one grandpa was mean and used to hit me a lot and I hated him for it.
Let's just hope that when the time is right she will pass peacefully, and not suffer at all.
The other day someone asked me: What one thing did your gramma teach you?? My answer: TO NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS BE LIKE HER IN ANY WAY. My gramma is the ugliest, nastiest, most hate filled woman around. I wonder why so many of us have that common denominator? Scary. Don't you dare feel guilty. SHe has sowed what she is now reaping......plain and simple. Hang in there.
This is a powerful post, girl. And I fully get it. The conflict, the angst, the guilt, the pain. She sounds an awful lot like my dad's mother. She was better at the end, too but I could never get past it. I couldn't even bring myself to attend her service. ALL will come together and don't you feel an ounce of guilt over it. You did nothing wrong. We always want to please our grandparents and just be loved unconditionally. REMEMBER: You did nothing wrong!!!!! I'm glad she tried to make up for some of it by treating your kids well. It's what she should have done.
I'm sorry for you pain, sugar. You're too sweet to be feeling badly. Remember not to let your hopes and dreams fall. xoxoxo.
Man, why are some people just so goddam mean. It seems like there was a whole wealth of trouble all through your Grandma's life, and she's still bitter and twisted about it. I'm glad you turned out normal!
Good luck with all the shifting and moving and new jobs, and most of all, feel no guilt!
I can't imagine you being like your Grandma D Jodi from reading your blog.
We were closer to our maternal grandparents than paternal. My Mom's parents were such generous people and loved us to death, but it's the opposite with my Dad's side, they (including all the aunts and uncles) are always out for themselves, and that's really sad.
Post a Comment