As the stomach turns is relocating?

When we last left our Heroine~~yours truly, my blog, I am the Heroine damn it~~she was questioning her role at her job and her own existence frankly. Happily all these questions have been resolved in one way or another. But, because this IS a soap opera, "As the Stomach Turns" to be precise we have lots more villains and controversies for our Heroine to be embroiled in.

Beefcake, also known as Passive Aggressive Man in these here parts, is falling apart. Not mentally but physically. He had to have a tendon repaired in his wee little foot. He has to have potentially serious surgery on his wee hand. He is a mechanic. Beefcake is starting to wonder if perhaps he needs to get into a less physically demanding line of work. He has declared, not so quietly, how much he hates, abhors really, our neck of the woods. He wants to move. He wants to move badly.

Therefore, as our Heroine returned skipping home from her shopping excursion with Little Red Riding Hood last Saturday, Little Red for short, he had a surprise for our fearless Heroine. Guess what? He was trolling the Internet in her absence and found an opening for a job teaching mechanics in a small community college about three hours North of our neck of the woods. He was more than excited as he showed our Heroine the job announcement. He had all the qualifications he needed! He was going to apply. This was their ticket out of here, pure Hell in Beefcake's opinion, WOOHOO. Dramatic music pounded in the background. How would our Heroine react? Would she throw herself to the floor in a dramatic fashion cursing the God's as to her ill fate? Would she find out that she had a rare form of Irritable Bowel Syndrome that rendered her incapable of moving out of the county she has lived in for the last 18 years?!?

Nah. She very calmly asked, "Hey, how far is Dinkytownville from Candace", her very best friend in the whole world? "How far is it from real shopping?" After all she just had the fresh taste of good shopping on her delicate palette from her trip with Little Red. As Beefcake told her she would be about an hour and half from BF and about an hour in the other direction from real shopping and other forms of debauchery her heart swelled. "Okay, I can do that," she announced.

Beefcake was thrilled. He thought he'd have to drag her kicking and screaming from their town. This was going to be easier than he thought! There was the matter of sellling the house in this crappy housing market. But, maybe the market will get better by summertime. "Well, we would probably have to move this summer. They are looking for somebody to start by the fall semester 2007," he said with one eye closed wondering about her reaction? Was she going to go crazy on his Beefy ass? Hope swelled his manly chest.

"Well, that be okay," our Heroine reasoned, "that way the boys can start the school year off in a different school. What about the house?" Our Heroine is not only brilliant, cute, and witty, but she's realistic as well. He told her he was worried about that too, but hopefully it would sell quickly. Beefcake couldn't believe it! Who knew our Heroine could be so level headed and easy to deal with? Who knew indeed. This was going to be soooo easy.

UGH-OOH do you hear that? Yes, it is the approaching footsteps of THE IN-LAWS.

Beefcake hadn't counted on the Drama Queen (DQ) herself, our Heroine's mother, who likes to pretend she's a Jewish mother even though we're not Jewish. To say she threw a fit and gave Beefcake and our Heroine a guilt trip of epic proportions would be putting it lightly. "But, if you move that far away I will only see my boys two times a year," she wailed. "What will you do with your house? It's soooo isolated up there. Why would you want to leave MEEEEEEEEEEEE?!?!?!?!" This was all said as she was very pathetically holding one of the boys toys to her chest acting like we had just announced we were moving to Africa and would be joining a cult where you renounced all things from your homeland.

"Ma", our Heroine reasoned, "it's only about three hours away. You can see us whenever you want. The boys can come down for vacations. You can come up. It won't be that bad. We don't even know if Beefcake will get the job. He hasn't even applied yet. He really really hates it here and this could be a great opportunity for him. It could be a very good thing."

"Ma, you and Dad could move up there too ya know. There would be lots of opportunities for Dad to log. You don't like it here anymore than Beefcake." Our Heroine was quite proud of herself. She was handling this like a pro!

"WELLLLLLLLL," DQ responded, "I can never move. We are stuck here taking care of your Grandma. I can never ever move. Not ever." As she said this a tear trembled on her eyelid and her chin quivered.

"AND, who will you use for daycare?" she countered recovering from her moment of contrived emotion. "You won't have family up there, I guess you'll just have to take your kids EVERYWHERE with you. What will you do when they are sick and you have to go to work? What then? What will you do without your family? What's so bad about it here anyway? OHMYGAWD, doesn't it snow up there? Isn't it like 4000 feet?"

At this point our Heroine's eyes glazed over and she looked at her Jewish mother in training and thought, yes indeed, what will I do without my family? Make my own decisions? Live my life? Not have to wonder if I buy white bread instead of wheat what the family will say? Not have to worry about taking her kids to the newest "Star Wars" because she knows VS will freak out, and oh how she did freak out when she found we took our very own kids to Star Wars. She thought of K and all her antics and of VS apparent incredible success in taking over our Heroine's highly publized and complete failure in the parenting of K. And how VS and DQ liked to rub it in her face everyday how good K was doing now that she was with VS, where she belonged all along. It would be very nice not to have to look at that and hear about it everyday. Yes, indeed our Heroine wondered almost out loud, what will she do without her family under her bloody feet ever frickin day of her life? It was hard to make out but she sat very quietly and listened hard she could almost hear angels singing and the slight delicate notes of a harp playing. It sounded like it was coming from, oh I don't know, about 3 hours away.

And then, the phone rang. It was Personality #4 that resides in CrazyDruggie sister..............