Please pardon my funk!

Alright, so I am in a funk. I want to make that abundantly cleare at the beginning and at the start of this post. Proceed with caution, you may want to wear protective head gear and an asbestos suit, I’m just saying.

Connor indeed DOES have vitiligo. There is no known cure or cause. It could get a lot worse than it is already or it could stay status quo. It’s just a wait and see kind of deal. He already has a big patch of white below his lip. That’s my biggest fear; I don’t want his little face to be affected. He’s seriously cute. I know that sounds really shallow and unpolitically correct, but I don’t want his cuteness affected in anyway. Everywhere we go people always comment on his cuteness. Does it make me superficial that I want him to stay cute and for nothing to mar that cuteness? Probably. Do I want to apologize for that? No, not really. I’m telling you people, I am in a FUNK. I know there are a lot worse conditions than vitiligo, like skin cancer. I know that. And the fact that he’s already pale like mayonnaise is in our favor because the white patches aren’t as noticeable. It still pisses me off though. Why can’t we just be normal? WHY? Both of my boys are also somewhere on the high functioning autism scale and that’s a whole other drama. And now we get to add this to our repertoire of things that make us different. One more thing I have to explain about, one more thing I need to read about, one more thing I need to worry about. I am exhausted. I just want us to be normal. Before the vitiligo I was at least secure in the knowledge that even if Connor was flapping like a mad man or totally obsessed with the pattern on the wallpaper at least he LOOKED normal. Well, no more. . . And this is really, really bothering me. And it seems totally unfair and it pisses me off. Not to mention the fact that this is one more thing that Connor will have to deal with for the rest of his life. You are welcome son, autism and vitiligo are both genetic, yeah my genes suck big time, sorry about that. Hmm, maybe the whininess and drama queenness runs in the family, you think?

We have to get back to his Pediatrician, I have a call into him, for him to order blood tests to see if there is anything sinister behind the vitiligo. People can have vitiligo without having an autoimmune disease, which is good news, but it isn’t always the case. As I have expressed on this blog before, Connor is a serious drama queen. He lies on the floor sometimes and cries that he can’t move because, “his legs are breaking”, or his neck hurts. What if he has had a disease this whole time and has been having body aches and that’s where SOME of the whining stems from? Oh the guilt. I have yelled at him, swatted his bottom, and made threats if he didn’t get up and move NOW. Now the possibility of learning that maybe he has fibromiliga or something of that caliber and his joint really do ache makes my Mommy guilt scream and cuss and throw a fit. I was telling my friend Candace about my fears and she said, “Don’t worry. Maybe the blood tests will come back and confirm he’s just an overly dramatic little brat.” I said, “Gawd, I hope so”. Then we laughed, who wants their kid to be a spoiled brat? I do, if it’s between that and some kind of autoimmune disease. So, now we just WAIT. And wait. Meanwhile, I am buying stock in Coopertone as we will have to douse him in sun block for the rest of his live long days.

BTW, thank you to Anonymous on my last post. Your comment really did make me feel better. It is refreshing to read about someone who has vitiligo and isn’t in the circus because they look so freaky. You sound like a very well adjusted young lady. Thank you for taking the time to comment, really.

I have news about my sister and the drama down South. It’s a mess. It’s nothing any more dramatic than what’s already been going on. They went to court for T’s battery charge against her ex-husband, her son stood up and told the court all about everything that has been going on in house since the day he can remember, the judge dropped most of the charges against T and ordered her ex back in court the next day, as most of the charges that M leveled were against his Father. We have no idea what happened in court on Friday. T called my Mom on Thursday night and asked is she would foster care all three of the kids if they were taken away from T & G both. T also still needs to go to court for the meth charges she has against her. And no, I haven’t talked to her for about three weeks or more now.

Oh yes, and her other son J is having some serious emotional issues. Surprised, I know so was I? The other day T thought she heard J crying, but it was an odd sound, not like normal crying and she said, “J, are you crying?” J replied, “Oh, that’s not me Mom. It’s George”. Well, they have no George’s who live in that house. I think he must have another personality or something. Lovely. My Mom said, “T, what do you think that means? Do you think maybe you should get him help?” T’s response, the ever nurturing mother, was, “Oh Mom, I know what it means, it means all three of my kids are screwed up and I don’t want to deal with it”. My Mom replied, “Yeah, T I was quite certain that was how you would react”.

All I know for sure about that situation is this. And I know it sounds very cold and cruel of me. I can not take those kids on. If they were babies I would. But at this point all three of them are so screwed up emotionally they are going to need massive amounts of professional help. And I don’t want any of them around my kids. We have enough going on. I know, I know, it sounds awful. I feel like such a bitch for even uttering the words out loud, but it’s the truth. I think J is going to be a serial killer or something. No, I am serious. That kid is seriously messed up and soooooo angry, so angry he’s like a ticking time bomb. When they come up here last summer for a visit, when K still lived with me, he scared Chad and I both. He has this coldness to him that is truly eerie, its bone chilling really. The really sad part about that whole situation is that T left J with us for 4 months when I was pregnant with Trent. He was such a happy baby then. I offered to adopt him and she said No! of course. That’s her son; she would never ever give up custody of any of her kids. I was telling J when they were here visiting what a sweet little baby he was and how I wished I could have kept him forever. He looked at me like he wanted to gut me like a fish. Not kidding. Just cold and mean and so very angry, it was scary. *SIGH* Everything about T and her life and her kids life is infuriating, sad, a colossal waste of potential, and so unfair it makes me want to weep, rage, and scream.

I hope that all the kids get taken away from T & G both and that they are put into intense therapy ASAP. That may save them. All three of those kids are seriously messed up. It’s very sad.

Well, now that I have managed to be a major downer for the whole internet I will close. Thanks for listening to me bitch. Please don’t tell me it could be worse, I am not in the mood to hear that, at all. I am miserable, depressed, and angry right now. I KNOW it could be worse. But it feels pretty bad today and that’s all I know for sure.